I love January 1st of every year when I ask God for a theme that ends up sharpening my focus on one area of the Kingdom. This morning, I sat in eager expectation of what He would speak. I asked for satan to be silenced, for my own thoughts to be silenced and then just listened.
First thing I heard from God in my Jan 1st, 2026 quiet time was “I delight in you.” That alone was enough for the rest of my life. I can feel God’s delight in me and if you know me, that is literALLy everything to me.
Then I heard and felt “You are immersed in My Spirit.“
Next I could hear the song playing in my head “Great is the steadfast love” by Lindy Cofer. He has been sharing Psalm 118:4 with me in the last few months and today He said I will be marked by this verse which says “Let those who fear the Lord say ‘His steadfast love endures forever.'” I carry the fear of the Lord and know His steadfast love…you HAVE to have both.
Then He told me the Bible reading plan for 2026 which is to read the “whole Bible.” The last two years He had me on repeat with Acts (2024) and then Romans (2025) but in 2026, I’m eating the whole scroll. I have done that 20+ times already but since it’s alive, it’s like reading it afresh each time.
To be a pillar in the house of God, your foundation is the Word of God, so it makes sense. I will continue to detox from online sermons, reading other books and listening to podcasts and just focus on the Word. Of course, I get sermons at church and tons of teaching in the schools I work with in YWAM {and will always be a learner} but I just want the Bible these days. My taste buds are craving just that main course.
He told me promises will be fulfilled in 2026.
Someone prophesied over me in 2019 and said something amazing was coming in 7 years…and I always wondered what in the world would happen…so here we are 7 years later. I’ve lived with expectancy but now my eyes will see what I have held in faith.
Then after saying all of that, I asked for the theme for 2026 and He said “I will make you a pillar in the house of My God” which is wild because that is what I also heard as the theme of our leadership track that starts in January.
He told me something so special…”You will spend time in the throne room.” When I worship, sometimes I see Jesus standing in front of me, sometimes He is walking in the midst of us, and sometimes He is on the throne and I can see me in the midst of every tribe and tongue gathered around Him.
This year will be glimpses into that latter picture of the throne room, I believe. I can imagine really powerful moments in worship being in awe of who He is, King of Kings. This is the whole point of my life…that day when every nation that He called me to will be gathered around His throne. It’s why I exist…so we can all be there.
I dove deeper into Revelation 3:7-13 where Jesus speaks to the church of Philadelphia from where this theme came from for 2026. These words come from the Holy and True One. When He wants to open a door, best believe it will open. When He wants to close a door, it’s shut period. I read where an open door, biblically, usually refers to an evangelistic opportunity.” yesssssuhhhh
I love this part…it’s the humility piece that Jesus drops “I know you have but little power…YET you have kept My word and not denied My name.” LOVVVVVEEE this so much. Like you know where to cling to because you’re weak and you know where the true Source is…who I am and what I say.
So hold fast to that…who I am and what I say…and no can can take your ability to your crown. I read where it doesn’t mean a crown of royalty but a crown of victory. And it said “to play the second half as strongly as they played the first half..never forget that the man most likely to steal your crown is yourself. ‘Keep thy heart with all diligence.’ You are in no greater danger from anyone or anything than from yourself.” (Havner)
My burning heart message is to finish burning for Jesus brighter than ever…so to wind up and not down. To go from glory to glory. That is why I must stay clingy, dependent and at the feet of Jesus all my days in the fear and love of God to truly be victorious. I know I am one step away from stupid at any given moment so I stand on Jesus and His word for stability…holding fast to His robe.
In Revelation 3, it says “to the one who conquers, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God. Never shall he go out of it and I will write on him the name of my God.” It’s giving you were marked with a seal of the Holy Spirit guaranteeing your inheritance. (Ephesians 1:14)
A pillar in the temple specifically means the holy place and holies of holies…like where He’s at. So if we overcome, He will give us a permanent place in His presence. It doesn’t get much better than that.
In the fall of 2025, I went to the church of Philadelphia, in Turkey. Guess what is left of the ruins? Just the pillars!!!!!!!! That was literally all remained and will remain. It’s all that will matter.
A permanent place in His presence.
2026 is gonna be stunning and I’m here for Him, His bride and the ones who are yet to even know there is a home they are invited to permanently live in with Him.
As I spent the last 5 days reflecting on 2025, I am just full of thankfulness and awe of all He can fit in one year. I truly live an abundant life.
In 2025, I was in 15 nations:
Brazil (2x), India, Tanzania, Tunisia, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Lebanon, Mongolia, Greece (plus Crete) Malta, Turkey, the Vatican, Cyprus, Italy and of course the USA.
5 of the nations were new and I finish the year having gone to 83 nations in total out of the 195 nations He called me to. I am on my 78th journal.
In the Extreme Places discipleship training school and on Word by Heart on Location: Acts that I led this year, we shared the gospel with over 6,000 people, saw 867 people saved in the 25 nations the two schools went to, we gave out 1000+ Bibles, saw over 100 healings, started 33 bible study groups, built 2 churches, saw deliverances, and baptized many.
2025 was marked by wholeheartedness. Jesus gave me the theme to “love the Lord with all your heart.” The key word was “the Lord.” He has to be that in our lives.
Biblically, He usually gives me a yearly focus and for 2025, He led me to read Romans on repeat through the lens of how I can love Him more with all my heart.
I really thought reading Romans over and over would be more about systematic theology, but instead it was all about FAITH. Over and over God emphasized, underlined and reiterated that we actually live by FAITH. It’s our very existence.
In the beginning of the year, we prayed in our leadership training and asked God about the specific way He made us. He told me I was “Hurricane Teresa.” One of my biggest intercessors calls me that:) God uses me to destroy boxes we’ve made that aren’t Biblical and He allows me to speak to people about how to rebuild based on His word. A hurricane destroys and after that we rebuild.
The last two years He has me detoxing from all the extra-biblical input. For the last two years, I have lost my taste buds to eat someone’s leftovers on how they interpret the Bible like in podcasts, watching sermons online, listening to the “new” prophetic word or even reading books. He promised me I would have dove’s eyes in 2025 and that’s how I got it…I just focused in on one thing…the Word.
I just want the Bible.
I see how far we drift from the Word of God and it’s foundation in our discipleship and how we do missions when I only digest the Word and not everyone else’s opinions on how to do Christianity. Culturally Christianity is one of the boxes I have loved demolishing in 2025. Cultural Christianity freaks me out because we can easily be deceived on how we do missions and discipleship just because so and so said.
You get enough so and so’s to agree on a concept and not enough the Bible said so’s and you find yourself living and defending a message or model Jesus never wanted.
We just make new man made rules on how to disciple that remind me of how the Pharisees got off track. Their desire was to follow God so closely that they didn’t want to break the law so they made a bunch of extra laws and lost the heart of following God. I don’t want to do that in discipleship. I want to look the most like how Jesus discipled His 12. If I can’t see it in Jesus, I don’t want it.
And if you tell me it should be this or that way, you gotta show me where you find that in the Bible, otherwise your “sword” isn’t really a sword…but more like a plastic knife, a fine sounding argument that can’t stand, and will break under any pressure put to it.
Also, of course in missions…if I can’t see what you are saying from how Jesus ministered in the gospels and how the disciples went on to preach the glorious gospel with all boldness and without hinderance for the first 30 pivotal years after Jesus ascended in the book of Acts…..then I also don’t want it.
I did complete the wholehearted rap and got a beat to it. Jesus took His rightful bestie place. I have yet to present the rap, in full, publicly but I will. He told me the rap was done in me when an imam (muslim leader) told me “you are obsessed with Jesus” when I was in Cyprus. The Lord showed me when a complete non-believer sees your obsession with Me, then your heart is mine.
He told me the key verse from Romans would be chapter 2:28-29 “And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by the Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.” This means if your heart is truly changed, by the Spirit, you will fear God above man. You will seek to please Him.
Psalm 37: 3 was on repeat. “Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.” It’s really just that simple and starts with trusting God. When we trust Him, we will have His fruit, we will abide and be faithful. It sums up a lot of whether we are 6 month on fire followers or faithful til the end.
He told me I would raise the dead in 2025. I was thinking literally raise people from the dead, but now in reflection He meant what I call the “save your life” modern mission’s movement. In the last 23 years in missions, missionaries are the ONLY ones who have told me not to share the gospel, especially in the -stans and 10/40 window sections of the world. That’s the saddest reality that exists in missions today. They lost me on all their code words, fine sounding arguments and the amount of self focus. Jesus showed me it was like what He said in Revelation to the church of Sardis “I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up!“
So many missionaries are not sharing the gospel in what we would call “the hardest and darkest places of the world” because they are being afraid of persecution, prison, being kicked out, and all kinds of things related to saving their lives and the lives of those they minister to. I just don’t read that in the book of Acts. When Jesus said “if you save your life you will lose it and it you lose your life for My sake and the sake of the gospel you find it”…I’m 100% SURE HE meant what He SAID.
And I see a lot of missionaries saving their lives. We need to wake up.
It reminds me of King Josiah finding the Bible after 50+ years of anorexia on the Word of God and totally demolishing all the JUNK that got built when people were severely malnourished and about to die. King Josiah woke up and woke everyone else up.
I just came off the best season of my life. I remember in 2023 dreaming up Word by Heart on Location, the book of Acts and then we just completed it on December 21st. Everyone was on the same page and knew we could boldly preach the gospel everywhere. We were marked with JOY and UNITY. We immersed ourselves in Acts and were totally transformed. We not only read, memorized and studied the book, we attempted to live it.
One thing I loved in the book of Acts, is they are so much a part of the “lose your life” mission’s camp that when persecuted they rejoiced, when pressed they don’t need a year off, more counseling, and a “break” to take care of me, they instead pray and ask for more boldness and just keep preaching. They move on outwardly. That’s what we read in our quiet time and talk about in our Bible studies. I hope we aren’t just hearers of the Word and not doers.
This year, in YWAM Kona, I got to teach in FF Movement, FF Extreme Places, Brave Love DTS, Performing Arts DTS, Crossroads DTS, Foundations school from the very young to high school, and in Word by Heart Korean school on campus about evangelism and the Holy Spirit. I also was asked to speak in our Campus wide community night on Evangelism.
Gen Alpha was a HUGE highlight this year. (8-14 year olds) They carry so much boldness and are like a John the Baptist generation. I got to minister with them a lot. They came to Sunday Evangelism, a 24 hour prayer/EV burn and also on the streets of Kona as a part of their school.
I got to live with the students in A building on campus. I never want to get away from how Jesus discipled. He would live in A building.
I did my first ever pull up, God challenged me to do 100 burpees a day for a quarter, did a full marathon and God allowed me to finish in the exact time I wanted…4:30, and ran my fastest 3 miles to date at 23:49. I like to go from glory to glory spiritually every year and only God can do that as I listen to Him. Every year gets better and better. He also pushes me physically. The physical usually represents the spiritual.
I had the honor of officiating 2 weddings this year, my dear friends Chloe & Isaiah and also some other dear friends, Patrick & Sara.
I turned 25 this year in the Lord. 25 years of walking with Jesus and never turning back shows me it is possible as long as we stay close to Him, have people praying for us and follow God. He is the one who keeps me but I also carry a real fear of the Lord that I could be one step away from stupid, so I keep my testimony close to my face and meet with Him daily. I want to love the narrow path more and more and stay close to Him all my days until I see Him face to face.
I learned this year as I built my remembrance stones and took dayyyysss to read through my journals in reflection that sometimes I heard God right and sometimes I didn’t. Thankfully most of the time I heard right and in the places I didn’t, there was usually human will involved in other people. So maybe I did hear Him right, but people choose whether to say yes to God or not. Instead of being disappointed in hearing Him wrong, He showed me He loves the journey more. How I cling to His voice and trust it…this is Lordship. My goal is to listen and obey. And this is how I can love the Lord with all my heart. As David Hamilton started the year in Kona, he said “we must remember that in the command to love God with all of our heart, we must look at a key part of the verse…hear, O Israel…(Deut 6:4-5).” And when I asked Darlene Cunningham, what YWAM value we could work on, she said “to hear God.”
We can’t love God with all of our heart unless He is Lord. And He can NOT be Lord if we don’t listen and obey. Which brings me to my final quiet time of 2025, this morning where I finished my 14th reading of Romans this year. I read chapter 16’s doxology and I took a deep breath and smiled.
“Now to him who is able to strengthen you according to my gospel and the preaching of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery that was kept secret for long ages but has now been disclosed and through the prophetic writings has been made known to all nations, according to the command of the eternal God, to bring about the obedience of faith— to the only wise God be glory forevermore through Jesus Christ! Amen.” (Romans)
When He is Lord, we will preach the gospel to all nations so everyone can obey the God we listen to…who gets all the glory.
Period.
Funniest moment of 2025: My last day with Elijah Belay in Rome, Italy…I almost peed laughing as he put lollipops in my hoodie. He literally has been my funniest moment for 3 years in a row.
Greatest run of 2025: June 21, 2025 marathon in Kona where He showed me how much I love community to run with and He had me finish on exactly the time I hoped for 4hr 30 minutes.
Greatest compliment of 2025: “an imam told me I was really obsessed with Jesus.” That was the turning point for when I knew Jesus had my whole heart and when the rap was done in me.
My favorite song of 2025: For sure Tiffany Hudson’s “All of the Sudden” was on repeat
Best salvation story of 2025: seeing a Shiite Muslim in the Hezbollah territory in Lebanon {that I ministered to last year} come to faith over the course of the year
Best answer to prayer in 2025: I’d have to say the rice pudding in Crete because it shows how much I trust just asking my Dad for everything…the little and the big
Most refreshing moment in 2025: reading the doxology this morning in Romans and realizing I’m living it….a beautiful to way to finish out 2025 in Romans
Best book I read in 2025: Romans
Fave ministry moment of 2025: going down to the Hezbollah territory in Lebanon with Katy Barajas 10 days after it was bombed to go see those I had ministered to in the fall of 2024 and finding out one of them got saved!
Most repeated Scripture He highlighted to me in 2025: Psalm 37:3
Favorite part of 2025: Word by Heart on Location: Acts…most joyful, bold, like minded all on the same page group I’ve ever had the JOY of running with…the closest thing to the book of Acts I’ve lived.
Loving the Lord with all my heart was such a theme in 2024. I even started writing a rap about wholeheartedness, but I was unable to finish it, which showed me…the message wasn’t finished IN ME yet.
But as I sat listening for Him to tell me the theme for 2025, I could hear Him say “You will finish the rap.” Jesus and I have written songs and raps together since around 2006. The raps articulate seasons. They are a reflection of my heart in words set to a beat.
Jesus saying loving God with all your heart is a part of the greatest commandment found in Matthew 22:37, Mark 12:30, Luke 10:27. It is also in Deuteronomy 6:5.
I heard Him say “I circumcise the heart.” This came from Romans 2:29 “No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by the Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.”
My heart has already been changed by His Spirit. And yet Jesus answered a question about the most important commandment by STARTING with “You shall love the Lord with all your heart…”
So since it’s a command, there is always a choice.
God also highlighted, the name used for Him in this verse is Lord. To truly make Jesus Lord means He is leader of EVERYTHING. If I combine that with the Romans verse of circumcision of the heart, “a true circumcision is not merely obeying…it is an actual change of heart.” The fruit of a changed heart is you SEEK praise from God….period.
Coming off of 2024, I could see from reading the book of Acts over and over that I could be way bolder. Paul especially is such an example of this to me. Paul even disregarded a prophet warning Him about going to Jerusalem. Paul’s goal was to please Jesus and live for Him and His message….period.
Loving Jesus with my whole heart has one main meaning for me that very few know about. There is a place deep in my heart that Jesus wants me to learn how to love Him with. I just don’t know how….yet.
I had constructed a cement vault around this area of my heart for so long after I gave my life to Jesus. He has taken a jackhammer to that space and spoke truth into my life. Yet, it’s hard for me to let the wall stay down and my go to reaction is to pour concrete again.
There was a song in 2024 that said “it stays in the fight, never quits, never hides, never runs…” so in 2025 I wanna let Jesus do His full work in my heart and just be wall-less in this one area…letting my heart learn to love Jesus in it…
I feel like when I got saved I understood 1% of what it looked like to give Jesus my life. Yet we say “Jesus came into my heart” and “I gave my life to Him.”
Then eventually, Jesus probably got 50% of my heart, in all reality, because we grow up in Him. He starts to take over our whole life…step by step. We trust Him with our future, our family, our schedules, our money and He slowly becomes Lord in our life.
And I’m not sure what percentage I am at currently with me loving Him with my WHOLE heart, but we are on a journey. Not sure what He’ll ask of in 2025. But I pray I will have dove’s eyes all year long that seek one thing…His praise…His ways…and His gaze.
My mom and I have done the same Bible reading together for years. Last year, we read Acts on repeat and I asked her to pray with me for what we should do this year. She said “Romans” is what she sensed. Once God gave me the theme for 2025 and said He is the One who circumcises hearts, I looked up where the verse was and it was Romans!
So Romans it is for 2025 and any other portion of Scripture I read in 2025 will be through the lens of me asking God how I can love Him more with all my heart.
There is something about starting a year that gives me almost butterflies in my stomach of expectancy that I have NO IDEA what script He is about to write. I have what I think is the general outline of 2025 in my view of school leading Fire and Fragrance and then Word by Heart on Location, but I have NO CLUE the beat, the lines and the song He will create.
All I care about is that every part of my heart is all in…loving my Lord.
2024 was the most abundant year of my life. I was in 39 nations:
Benin, Burkina Faso, Cameroon, Djibouti, Ethiopia, India, Indonesia, Israel, Kenya, Lebanon, Mozambique, Nepal, Nigeria, Philippines, Sri Lanka, Tanzania, Uganda, Colombia, Mexico, Pakistan, Mongolia, Uzbekistan, China, UAE, Iran, South Korea, Thailand, Tajikistan, Turkey, Cyprus, Togo, Morocco, Qatar, South Africa, Gabon, Rwanda, Malaysia, Brussels and of course the USA.
We saw THOUSANDS of people saved, hundreds healed, many delivered, Bibles were distributed, Bible study groups started and many were baptized.
“Lose your life” was the theme for 2024 and Jesus came through on His word.
The teaching of “lose your life” is the only teaching of Jesus found in all 4 gospels. (Jn12:25, Lk 9:24, Mk 8:35, & Mt 16:25) That’s an intentional emphasis and I found if we trust Him at what He says we will see the fruit of obedience every time.
I lost my life in 2024 and lived the most abundant year yet.
He told me to only read the book of Acts in my quiet time as the baseline Bible reading. This book emphasized what real missions is. This is what missions looked like for the people who were the closest to Jesus’ discipleship.
I really felt like I chose to lay down my desires and make my focus be on seeing people come to know Jesus. As I read the book of Acts, I sought “How can I lose my life more?” My main takeaway is that I can be wayyyyyy bolder. I resonate with Paul more than any other time in my life and feel like God wired us the same. However, I’ve never called someone a “son of the devil” like he did. For real, in modern day missions, I would be chastised if I said that. Paul just had a big old “I could care less what anyone thinks of me besides Jesus” on his forehead. He was laid down.
2 mission camps exist in our world of missions:
You have the fear based “save your life” camp that are hardly unified or multiplying or seeing fruit and usually stifling the gospel. They will flat out tell you not to share the gospel. They use fine sounding arguments for how to not get persecuted, thrown in prison or thrown out of the country. It all sounds good and tickles ears but it’s not first century Christianity based on Acts. It’s something, but not that.
“Whatever you fear you worship” my dear friend told me. If you fear losing your life for the sake of the gospel, you worship yourself….deep down.
Then you have the love based “lose your life” camp that only care about the Kingdom and the gospel. They are unified, full of joy, seeing all kinds of fruit, multiplying and risking everything for the sake of a soul. They look like the book of Acts and yes, of course they are persecuted and laying their lives down.
**working with local contacts from the country you are ministering in are usually the least fearful ones I know….it’s usually the western missionaries that have every safety check known to man…just sayin…like track records on this
Jesus said if you lose your life you find it. You really “give your life” to Jesus when you pray the prayer. Your life is truly His and for His Kingdom. That’s what that prayer meant.
Fear and thankfulness can’t exist in the brain at the same time. I remember when I was in Dubai about to go into Iran and I got a text warning me not to go in. In that moment, fear tried to creep in for the first time since I heard God say to go. And immediately, God spoke to me and reminded me of what He said. And I had the best time ever because I chose to listen to His voice. He is love. Love always casts out fear. So thankful I listened to Him.
I intentionally chose not to complain this year about the dynamics about life in missions. The Bible said don’t complain so you can shine like stars. It’s just that simple. And when you do that and look back, like I did today, you barely remember what was hard. You remember the salvations, the ways God answered prayer, the way He provided…fear and thankfulness literally can’t exist in the brain at the same time.
I have decided I always want to instill faith in those I disciple. A lot of us read the Bible and have amazing quotes we say that we don’t really mean. Like we like to read about Stephen being martyred for the faith like it’s some fairy tale bedtime story, but are we willing to let our kids go to war torn areas to share the glorious gospel for such a time as this? It’s a real question. Are we reading the Bible like it’s the life we signed up for or a fiction novel that sounds nice for discussion around hot cocoa and comfort?
This year was filled with firsts. First time I school led for Fire and Fragrance. (P.S. working with FF in Kona has been the BEST. I absolutely LOVE it and love Gen Z.) First time I did “Up Hill Battle.” First time I led ministry night on campus. First time I stayed up for 40+ hours doing two 24 hour prayer/evangelism burns. First time I taught in YWAM Colorado. First time I taught in January School FF DTS on evangelism and the middle school and high school on campus on the Holy Spirit. First time the lame walked at a crusade in Pakistan that I was a part of. First time I officiated a wedding.
It was also my first time to have cancer. I decided before I got the results that I would share the gospel with the doctor. That led to many more doctors hearing about Jesus, one of which was an atheist plastic surgeon in Mongolia who gave his life to Jesus! I had the follow up surgery in America and the borders came back cancer free so I decided the conclusion was I have a scar on my back for a Mongolian’s salvation.
I was walked in the most authority I ever have in India when I was diagnosed. We all have a choice on how to respond to the unexpected and I chose to focus outwardly. If we lose our lives, we find them.
We ended up doing 8 crusades in Pakistan and I got to raise $108,000 for them. I had one month to raise all the funds. I have never tried anything like that and God kept speaking to me that He would do it. I did have a moment of doubt that it could all come in but He quickly reminded me “I will provide it all.”
In the process, He told me to sell my car and give all the proceeds to the crusades. We put the car on the market and it sold within 17+ hours. I was jumping up and down with joy that it sold so fast, emphasizing to me that I had clearly heard God. I was genuinely shocked at my reaction because you never know what it is your heart and what’s an idol until God decides to take it away. Then your heart is revealed.
I don’t own anything of value…like I don’t own a house, don’t own my own bed (I sleep on bunk beds on campus in our dorms) but I did have a car. And I thought about “Will I care that I had a Honda CRV in Kona while I am preaching to thousands of people about Jesus in Pakistan?”
I can tell you I didn’t care about my car as I watched thousands get saved in Pakistan.
After our DTS finished at the end of September, I started the trip Jesus told me to do…go to all the hostile nations on the Voice of the Martyrs map. He told me to start in Africa, so I began in Ethiopia. Jesus told me this trip was like a Father/daughter adventure with Him. And it truly was.
He told me to post on social media to find contacts. I went to Lebanon and Israel when they were at war. The heaviest day of bombing in Beruit was the heaviest day of evangelism. That’s the way I see life. We must take the open doors while they are open.
I taught in a lot of YWAM base contexts all over Africa. I really challenged Africans to go into missions. It was so powerful to see their eyes light up and see faith rise when I said that I believed Africa could be the largest mission sending continent and that they are a part of the movement.
I shared the glorious gospel in every country I partnered with and saw so many saved including people who had never heard the gospel. I resonated with Paul so much that I only care about Jesus Christ and Him crucified…like that’s all we did. Shared the glorious gospel over and over again.
It was also important, like Paul, to strengthen the churches and I got to share with a lot with believers the messages Jesus had for them. Jesus emphasized all year to only speak what God wanted me to speak. So I would pray before times on a mic asking Him what He had for the group and tried to obey what He said even if it was awkward for others and not the normal.
It truly felt like an adventure with Jesus. I would weep from His faithfulness. I saw Jesus in the finest details. I CLUNG to His voice.
I got pursued more than any other year of my TT AD life. Almost any driver in an uber, seatmate on a flight that was single, or guy at a ministry settling this fall….would show interest. P.S. this is not TT’s norm whatsoever. I was low key proposed to three times this year., but all by non-believers.
Even one church I spoke at in Cameroon said “Teresa, please introduce yourself and your marital status.” LOL! One DTS student in Nigeria gave me “feedback” after I taught them on feedback and said it was time I was married and had kids…he was dead serious. lol
I will be married one day and maybe this year God used many ways to prepare me for even the idea of marriage. My husband will be on fire, laid down, hopefully have corn rows, a little hood and a lot HOLY. 🙂
But one thing I have gained in 24 years of just TT and Jesus, is that He’s enough. You can’t burn til the end if you can’t burn alone. Jesus knows He’s my best YES.
I am writing a rap based on wholeheartedness and I haven’t finished it yet because I come away from 2024 knowing Jesus needs more of my heart. The Bible says love the Lord with all your heart and though I have many praise reports of trusting Him, I know there is more to give. I wanna know for real for real what it means in Psalms 16 that in His Presence is fullness of JOY…like in nothing or anyone else…just HIM.
He encourages me that I lived off His voice this year. That I love revival. That I will always choose Him. That He will always have first place in my life. Yet, He wants more of my heart. I know this.
He spoke to me “You must detach to attach to the fullness of what I have for you.” We pray all the time “Lord, remove this…help me with this.” And He does it when we pray and He answers. I feel like God made an executive decision in my life this year and just decided what was best for His daughter. I felt so loved, protected and cared for by God. His boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. His yes is good. His no is good. All His open doors are amazing. And all His closed doors too.
You will have Your inheritance, Jesus….starting with my heart.
Acts 20:24 (literally the numbers 2024…so cool) sums up how I feel about the year:
“But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.”
I leave 2024 having been to 79 nations out of the 195 He has called me to.
Funniest moment of 2024: Almost any moment with Elijah Belay, but I died laughing when he continually kept throwing whipped cream at me in a house that hosted our staff gathering.
Greatest run of 2024: Through the hills of Cameroon as the sun rose….in awe.
Greatest compliment of 2024: a Muslim I ministered to in Tanzania said “When you started to talk about Jesus, your face began to glow…and I can tell that is what you are most serious about and that you are truly born again.”
My favorite band of 2024: Black Voices Movement especially “Dance like David” and fave artist, Tiffany Hudson, with her “Sure been Good” song on repeat
Best salvation story of 2024: Mongolian plastic surgeon that got saved because God allowed me to have cancer.
Best answer to prayer in 2024: Toss up between getting in and out of Iran and Israel.
Most refreshing moment in 2024: Thanksgiving in Jerusalem…I wept in thankfulness.
Best book I read in 2024: Acts
Fave ministry moment of 2024: when the Muslim girl asked “How did you convert from Islam to Christianity?” in Burkino Faso…I felt like I was in a slow motion clip from a movie and thought “this is why I exist.”
Most repeated Scripture He highlighted to me in 2024: In His presence is fullness of JOY from Psalm 16
Jesus prepared me well for the theme this year. He has had me teed up for this my whole Christianity. This morning, I asked Him, “What do You want me to hone in on in 2024?” He responded “Lose your life.” I smiled.
This is real Christianity.
Here is my burning heart message basically my whole life with Jesus. What you are about to read might sound strong and HOT but it’s really just normal Christianity. The way the early church lived in the book of Acts should be our floor but it’s still our ceiling in many ways. I see glimpses in modern Christianity of what I read in Acts, but not the fullness.
I want the fullness.
The modern day missions movement (MMM), as I call it, is really all about how to save your life. This is a cumulation of 21 years of being in missions and hearing “you can’t do street evangelism here…you can’t start with Jesus in your convo…can’t share the gospel…it’s illegal to share”….so no specific person, but a general fear based movement I have called the ‘modern missions movement.’
And I’ve never bought into those lies. I’m still moving with the OG movement started with Jesus, Stephen, Paul, all the disciples who were never concerned with their reputation, fame, keeping their organization in the country, their safety, and even their own lives.
The context of the theme for this year “Lose your life” is from Matthew 16:25 when Jesus says “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” Key phrase is losing your life for Him. But if you read the context of what Jesus is talking about right before that, He is telling his disciples that He must go and suffer many things, be killed and on the third day raise again.
Peter immediatley responds with how many Christians respond today REBUKING Jesus and saying “This shall not happen to You.” It’s the modern mission movement’s origin. Ultimately, save your life. It comes from well meaning people who think they are presenting with love but it’s actually fear. And Jesus’ response to such reactions is “Get behind me satan. You are a HINDERANCE to Me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God but on the things of man.”
tip: never a good idea to rebuke anything Jesus’ says hence this whole blog on the dichotomy between what He said in His word and what we actually live out.
Some of us are unknowingly pulling Jesus aside and rebuking Him all day long in how we view the risks we shouldn’t take in missions for His name sake. One thing I’d never like to hear Jesus say to me is “Get behind me satan. You are a hinderance to Me.”
The modern mission’s movement criticizes the ones who lay down their lives for the gospel, and call it wisdom. Like John Allen Chau….when his blood is still crying out from the ground, is getting critiqued left and right from believers. I’m amazed people have the guts to talk about the martyrs that are currently under the altar. Just dumb….founded they could say these people were “unwise” or “shouldn’t have shared the gospel like that to get all our missionaries kicked out of the country.”
I’m like “Fam….are we reading the same Bible?”
“I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained.” ~John while on the island of Patmos for the Word of God and his testimony.
MMM call their views “using wisdom” when it’s actually “fear buttered up in fine sounding arguments.” And TT isn’t drinking the kool-aid, hasn’t drank the kool-aid and won’t drink the kool-aid. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
I can tell the difference with those mission teams who are bold and those who are scared. Team bold is outward focused, full of joy, unified, preaching their guts out, loving each other, raw and vulnerable and seeing fruit. Team scared is high high security, everyone is listening to them on some recording in the walls, “you can’t…” starts many sentences laced with “it’s wisdom” and not being “zealous.” Team scared usually is inward focused, not unified, low key depressed, people are wanting to leave the field and usually very little passion, excitement, joy or salvations. But “Praise God we are still in the country after 53 years.” Am I’m like????
You will hear things in this modern missions movement from Christians like “It’s illegal to share the gospel to….” And I’m like one eye squinted head tilted like “Wha?!?!!??! are. you. talking. about? Are we from the same Kingdom? Last time I checked our King ordered us to preach the gospel with no disclaimers….so actually it would be illegal to NOT preach the gospel. YA HURD MEH?”
We are called to live bold lives for Jesus that might cost us greatly, but we don’t view it as a cost because we already died to ourselves. So dead people can’t be entitled. We already lost our life. He owes us nothing. Our lives got hidden in Christ and found in Him.
2024 Promise: For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. ~Jesus. This is a promise you can hold onto.
Catch me trying to lose my life all 2024 long.
I long to live full throttle for Jesus. More than the book of Acts.
For my Bible reading plan in my quiet time, I will meditate on Acts all year long and ask myself “How can I lose my life more?” I want to set my mind on the things of God and not on the things of man. May I be a help to Jesus and not a hinderance.
That would be my summation of 2023 in one sentence. It was my best year yet. I believe that is the way it is supposed to be with Jesus. It should get better and better every year as we go from glory to glory.
My year was marked by JOY! There is a promise when you abide in Christ you will have your joy complete. So if you aren’t experiencing joy, that in of itself is a litmus test to your proximity with Jesus.
I just finished my remembrance stones that I draw in my journal yesterday. I go through my journals at the end of every year and note the themes God spoke all year. I remember what He did and I ALWAYS leave in awe of the abundant life I get with Him.
“Eyes like Fire” was the theme for the year. Steffany Gretzinger said “What holds our gaze will eventually hold our hearts.” That’s facts. When I behold Jesus with eyes like fire, there is no way out other than being refined. And if we don’t allow Him to hold our gaze, we will stumble.
The reality is we must resist temptation. We must allow God to shine His light wherever He wants in our life. He is Lord and gets the say so on what He wants and what He doesn’t want. Period. It’s better this way. It’s abundant life.
With the theme, “Eyes like Fire,” I knew as I beheld Him, I would get my Father’s eyes. He told me I would see things others didn’t see. God would show me things about people I walked with before they told me. I would know if someone was lying to me only to find out later when they confessed. I would know when they were struggling before they told me. He told me many things that only Him and I knew about. You have to steward well what God shows you. Most things were just to know and not to tell.
God repeats Himself every year to me and I see the themes each year as I reflect. Key verses that He spoke over and over in 2023 were:
“The Son of Man came not be served but to serve and give His life…”
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me to preach GOOD NEWS to the poor.”
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.”
“For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.”
“Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom…”
and last but certainly not least “Ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you.”
These verses defined my year. You have a choice to let other people’s words, your own words or Jesus’ words write your year. I choose to listen to Him. He’s got an excellent track record on shepherding our lives if we choose to follow Him.
My parents named me after Teresa of Avila. She is quoted in saying “You pay God a compliment by asking great things of Him.” I get it. I live this. God kept telling me “Ask Ask Ask.” If we really knew WHO He was…we would ask for greater things.
Jesus became Lord of my sleep/wake schedule. It’s like you think you have made Jesus Lord until He wants something precious….like sleep. We idolize many things we think we need or we surrender. It’s a choice every day to let Him have your WHOLE life.
For 150 days this year, I would wake up mostly between 1-3am and ask Jesus “Is this You waking me up?” He would say “yes” majority of the time. In those hours, I would spend time with Him reading about revival and learning what it means to take care of the sheep entrusted to my care. I wouldn’t go back to sleep but He would give me supernatural energy to last throughout our glory to glory days PACKED from morning to evening.
I am always learning how to love the people I disciple more and more. And I believe I loved the sheep entrusted to me this year well. I get more and more why Jesus summed up the commands with “Love God. Love others.” If we got that commands alone we would be a different world.
This year, the teams I worked with all felt like fam. For real for real. And it was in the wee hours of the morning that Jesus cultivated this kind of love. One of my students said to me “You taught me unconditional love. I found out what true family feels like. It’s the healthiest form of family I know.”
You couldn’t teach that in a classroom. It has to be shown. It comes from life on life discipleship empowered by the Holy Spirit. That’s why I love living with the people I disciple….like I imagine Jesus did. Someone you discipled saying “You taught me unconditional love” didn’t come from a weekly Bible study on John. It came from life on life time spent together.
My faith is bigger than it has ever been. I saw God answer almost every prayer we prayed. “God hold out the rain so we can have the crusade.” “Save everyone tonight at the crusade!” “Heal everyone!” “Open these deaf ears in Jesus’ name.” I WAS BLOWN AWAY. Once your boxes get blown, you can’t believe for less. You always have to believe for more.
You gotta give your GUTS. You only have one life to live. Yes, I went in 5th gear all year, but why not? Be as relentless for chasing holiness as you are for preaching your guts out and I promise you will be filled with JOY and awe of all God has scripted for your life.
I went to 9 nations this year and now am up to 62 nations. 133 to go!
Jesus told me this year to stretch out my tent pegs for a school we pioneered called “Word by Heart on Location.” I trusted His voice and we capped the year with 7 nations in 3 months memorizing 51 stories with 52 people rep’n 18 nations amongst us. That’s what extended tent pegs looks like.
My heart burned, like it always does, for us to LIVE THE BOOK OF ACTS. The modern missions movement is really focused on saving your life. Like don’t do anything too crazy, dangerous, for sure don’t get the organization kicked out of the country, get put in jail or beaten. Save your life. That’s the message of modern missions. Yet the Bible I read is the exact opposite. So I’ll preach THAT message until I die….because Jesus taught me if you lose your life you find it.
So catch me starting 2024 figuring out more ways to lose my life because the more I do that, the more abundant life gets.
Funniest moment of 2023: Elijah Belay period. I’ve never laughed harder.
Greatest runs of 2023: Running in Jordan past dogs and the fastest I’ve ever run. Shout out to Jeremy Devers for being the catalyst of both.
Greatest compliment of 2023: When the people I discipled said they had never been loved like this before.
My favorite band of 2023: Black Voices Movement “Chainbreaker”
Best salvation story of 2023: Finding out Patrick (my ex) got saved.
Best answer to prayer in 2023: Pakistan.
Most refreshing moment in 2023: Looking at the sunset on the Sea of Galilee and the rays facing me hearing the Lord say “See, I brought you into the land.”
Best book I read in 2023: “Intimate friendship with God” by Joy Dawson
Fave ministry moment of 2023: deaf ears opened at a crusade I preached at
Most repeated Scripture He highlighted to me in 2023: “Blessed are the poor in spirit…” (We have NOTHING apart from Him. Totally bankrupt spiritually. As long as you remember this, you will always stay dependent on Him. It’s the healthy codependency all of us need to burn brightly until the end.)
Favorite part of 2023: Fire and fragrance culture. I love Gen Z. Rapping at their grad.
I wanted to share the story of how I overcame the greatest temptation I have faced to date…my ex Patrick. You will probably relate at some point or another in my story if you too, like me, awakened love before it was time.
Patrick (pictured above in my apartment in downtown Asheville) was the only real boyfriend I’ve ever had. We met at the McDonald’s drive thru on Merrimon Ave in Asheville when I worked there around the age of 17. He pulled up to my window in his Blazer and with all boldness gave me his number immediately. That’s what I always loved about him…his boldness. The first time we hung out, he told me he loved me.
We dated for four years before I was saved and I have never had a boyfriend since then. This day pictured here was the only day I ever took pictures of him (pre-iPhone days)…it was on this day he said we should get married. We never did, but I was sold out on him. Utterly obsessed. He is still to date the only guy who ever told me he loved me and the only guy I ever told that I loved. Patrick was my whole world.
Until I met Jesus.
After I got saved October 31st, 2000 (Reformation Day), I knew I couldn’t have any contact with Patrick. It was like the Lord was telling me “Patrick is the only human on earth that you can’t connect with or try to evangelize to.”
So I didn’t see him again. I would dream about him all through the years. I had prayed off and cut off in prayer everything related to Patrick that I could think of, but I believe I was living in the consequences of awakening love before it’s time. Sin has real consequences.
In 2005 (after being saved five years), I was on an all 50 state mission trip and thought it would be a good idea to send Patrick a letter and ask for forgiveness for all that we did and tell him I have since been saved. I had sought counsel before sending the letter and they agreed it was a good idea to write him. But in all actuality, I opened a can of worms that didn’t need to be opened. I had to try too hard to get his address…that probably was the first wall of protection God was trying to put up.
Being tempted hard core doesn’t just have one instance where you arrive at stupid. It’s a lot of bread crumbs leading up to that. We have to watch the little things we allow to slip in. Here is a record of the little things:
It all started on March 7th, 2005 when I had a dream of Patrick that I was trying to find him. I was with people from the mission trip I was on. In the dream, I ask for forgiveness for all that happened between us. The last dream I had of Patrick prior to this one, Patrick was saved in the dream.
So from that dream, I concluded I needed to find him. I looked up on the internet to see if I could get his address. (i.e. wrong dream interpretation)
March 9th, 2005 (thankfully I have journaled on every day since 2001, so I can look back on any given day and see what I was doing) I talked to my small group in my mission’s team about this. We were discussing “What are things you need to leave behind?” I told them I needed to get rid of my CD’s (I guess I still had some R&B/rap music that wasn’t glorifying to God) and I needed to leave behind the idea of contacting Patrick.
The small group agreed on the CD’s so I didn’t just throw them away, I broke them. However, they felt it was a good idea to contact Patrick. Fam. Sometimes people mean well, but you KNOW what is beneficial. It’s hard because in temptation, you don’t see straight. And you really need your brothers and sisters to speak the truth. At that point, they were trying their best.
So from that small group, I sought out a way to get his address. I wrote in my journal “that feels like such a closure that I needed.” I also wrote “One thing I have learned is that the happiest I ever am is when I know my heart is pure before You.” I felt it was good at this point. I had convinced myself that contacting the one person I couldn’t contact ever was “the closure I needed.”
March 10th, 2005 I wrote the letter to Patrick. You see, the beginnings of being tempted don’t just start with one thing. It’s usually a lot of small yeses fueled by the lure of satan. I had my small group leader read over the letter and she edited a lot out. Mailed it to Patrick the next day, March 11th, 2005.
March 12th, 2005, I started a fast for a more consecrated life. The fire was refining me.
The Lord spoke to me on March 15, 2005 “I am your rear guard and I go before you….I am your light…Your strength in times of trouble. I love you Teresa. In My time, I will give you a family. Now I desire all of you. Be free.”
Patrick responded on email in March 19, 2005 giving me a better address to reach him at and a number saying he hoped to hear from me soon. I wrote in my journal how it felt like closure but also how it felt like an opening and how I needed God desperately to help me not be tempted. March 21st, I wrote that I was struggling with thoughts of him. I wanted so bad to hear how he was, but I knew how dangerous and non-beneficial that would be.
On March 22, 2005, I wrote a letter back to Patrick that was short, sweet and to the point. I concluded that though I wanted to talk to him, it was a gate I didn’t want to open and assured myself that God would fight for me. I sent the letter on March 23rd, 2005.
April 20th, 2005 I had a dream that I was coming into Asheville and I saw Patrick. I gave him a big hug in the dream. I wrote in my journal “I wasn’t even thinking of him and these dreams continue.” I just prayed for him that morning. April 22nd, I had another dream of him. This, my friends, is the can of worms that got opened.
On April 30th, 2005 I had a dream that some girl told me Patrick had completed a Discipleship Training School. In the dream, I was going to visit Patrick’s Dad, Cecil, in the hospital.
May 24th, 2005 I had a dream where I was shot in the neck twice, but the ER said nothing was wrong with me. (Y’all please write down your dreams and review them. God is speaking.) Now, I can look back and see God was warning me over and over in my dreams. Satan was coming for the jugular and no one had concluded anything was wrong.
God spoke to me that day when I was asking about the dream interpretation “I have fought for you. You walked away healed and you will always walk away healed. If you seek Me, you will find Me. Do away with all distractions that would hinder our relationship. The distractions are similar to the effects of the attacks on your neck.”
May 30th, 2005 I had a dream I was being chased by a man that was trying to kill me. He had a gun and I had a gun. When I tried to shoot him in the head, nothing happened because my gun wasn’t loaded. So I prayed in the dream for Jesus to bring bullets in the gun. Someone gave me some lesser form of a bullet and it set the man’s head on fire after I shot, but it healed instantly. I left a blank for dream interpretation like I usually did in my journal, but never wrote out what the interpretation was. I would discover this interpretation soon looking back in hindsight.
the enemy only comes to steal, kill and destroy
On June 7th, 2005 I came home to Asheville for a week break from the year long 50 state mission trip and guess who I see after not seeing for five years walking in downtown Asheville? Of course, Patrick. And this time it wasn’t a dream. It was real life.
He was walking into a shop as I drove past, so I rounded the block several times (once again trying too hard) until he came out and pulled up to him and said his full name out the window. He just looked at me, I think he was trying to recognize who I was. He asked me to get out and give him a hug. And I did. (Exactly how it happened in my dream April 20th…just a month and a half prior to being reality.) We talked and laughed together.
He told me my face was different. (he had never seen TT with the indwelling Holy Spirit when we dated.) Then said “Dang gurl, you looking good! You married yet? Maybe I am your husband.”
He took my hand and looked me in the eyes and said it was good to see me and said “God bless you.” He gave me his number and said he’d like to get together to catch up while I was home. I immediately took it to the Lord and asked Him to guard my heart.
On June 8th, I wrote in my journal “I am distracted a lot today with thinking about Patrick and just wanting to see him and hang out. I haven’t called him and just praying to see if that is something that would help or hinder.“
that would help or hinder
June 9th, I was praying all day about Patrick and heard the Lord say “Don’t be distracted by Patrick.” Then after that, I journaled that I was praying if I should call him or not. I felt more of a hesitancy than a yes. But at 4pm that day I caved and called.
Thankfully he didn’t answer.
I struggled so much with wanting to see him. I thought, his mom died while we dated and now my sister has died since we broke up…and I wanna tell him about it. Y’ALL. You do weird things in grief….period. 2005 was the year after my 19 year old sister died. Satan would have loved for me to take the bait.
That same night, I was going to see Ronda, my mentor of two years at that point. (and still to this day 20 years later…praise God) She told me not to contact him and said “Teresa, you don’t know what is in your heart and what you are capable of.” And I listened to her and never called Patrick.
I still thank her to this day for that. It was OBVIOUS to not contact your ex…but when something is tempting, the lure can be stronger than common sense.
I believe that was a fork in the road where TT woulda caved and who knows what it could have led to. I haven’t as much as held a guy’s hand or dated at all in 23 years since I have been saved, but if I had met with Patrick that trip home, I’m not sure where I would be today.
So we had zero contact.
The next day, after meeting with Ronda, I wrote in my journal: “I thought about Patrick today. In a way I really wanted to hear from him. It’s like I know I don’t want to be with him. Jesus, I know you will continue to guard my heart. May I not set up my own trap. Keep my mind pure Lord! It’s time like this when I can see how easy it would be to fall from You. Times like this when I see the enemy’s plan. We are weak and have to cling to the Lord in every area and when we stand take heed lest we fall. I am aware now of how close I can be to being a wanderer from You for my own fleshly desires. The place I was in, I was capable of anything. It’s like Ronda said ‘You never know what sin is in your heart.’ It’s true until you’re faced with it. When I saw Patrick I was immediately attracted to his charming way and the things he said.”
I was desperate for God.
I love the verse that says “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Matt 5:3) We are spiritually bankrupt before God. Broke. Got nothing. We must be utterly dependent on Him…and if we choose to lean into Him and not our flesh, we win.
At this point in the blog, you may be like “TT, I know EXACTLY what you went through. I have struggled too with exes.” Or you could be like “Dang, TT, you were caught UP!” And you can’t relate at all. That’s okay. All of us have the things that lure us. You can fill in the blank for the traps satan sets up for you. It could be fame, money, porn, masturbation, sexual immorality, corruption, drugs, alcohol, lying, pride
…you name it.
I returned back to the mission trip I was on and kept dreaming of Patrick. I was so frustrated that I was still having dreams, but I set my face towards Jesus and kept pressing in.
September 8th, 2005 on the this 50 state mission trip, I landed in Kona Hawaii for the first time. I wrote in my journal “You have given me life and an abundant life.” We went to the YWAM Kona base and had worship, prayer and gave to Hurricane Katrina efforts. I also wrote “So pumped Lord! You have given me JOY, inexpressible Lord, Your joy. This trip to Hawaii has been so rich. I look forward to more.”
Four years later on November 20, 2009, Patrick sent me a friend request on Facebook that I immediately knew was satan’s tactic. No question about it. And I didn’t accept his request though the lure was still there to do it.
Jesus faced every temptation yet didn’t sin. I believe we will always be temped, but we have a choice every day to give in or take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. I chose to make it obedient to Christ.
June 17, 2011….at least 11 years after we broke up, Patrick wrote me on Facebook messenger “I’m so amazed with you…You look just like a beautiful happy angel…” I had to pray pray. It was so tempting to want to respond. And yet I didn’t give in and didn’t respond to his message.
All these years, I kept having dreams of Patrick. I would be sharing the gospel with him in the dreams. Going to see him in the dreams. I wouldn’t think of him at all during the day or in my conscience mind, but the dreams still came. So I would pray for his salvation. Even asked one of my guy friends to try to find Patrick to witness to him. He never found him.
September 30, 2018 Patrick liked one of my posts on Facebook from that past July. I wrote in my journal that I prayed for his salvation. Now, at least 18 years since we broke up and the Lord had to lead me through a whole long reflection in my quiet time on Patrick and I’s relationship. God spoke so much truth into me. He was so specific to do this…there was a closure coming that I had no idea about.
Patrick and I had become one in our relationship. We weren’t married but lived like we were. In the Bible, when someone “knew” their spouse to be, that was a sign of the initial starting point of marriage. And only death would separate that connection.
Little did I know, Patrick reaching out that day was only days before he would die from congestive heart failure on October 12, 2018….at the age of 45. (He was 7 years older than me.)
Fast-forward…I was in Greece, November 28, 2023, so about a month ago in my quiet time, that I heard the Lord say “Look up Patrick, his last name and obituary.” So I obeyed. Now up to this point, I don’t think of Patrick. Of course, he is usually brought up when I share my testimony as he was a big part of TT B.C. And I tell the story to the people I disciple of seeing him in 2005, as a way to encourage people to not give into temptation.
So I look up on the internet what God spoke and I was SHOCKED to see that Patrick died on October 12, 2018. It was like my heart sunk even after all these years.
Then I read on the obituary that Patrick was a member of a church! WHA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? It was sadness and joy all within a few bewildered minutes in my quiet time.
So I contacted the pastor of the church and he told me Patrick was saved and baptized in 2015!!!! After all these years of praying for him and he got saved!
YOU GUYS! JESUS HAS YOUR EXES. YOU DON’T NEED TO WITNESS TO THEM.
And I’m so thankful I never found out he got saved in 2015, because I would have been tempted to immediatley start dating him again. It’s God and His wisdom and timing to tell me on a “random” day in Greece five years later after he died.
After finding out Patrick died, I reached out to one of his best friends (that I wouldn’t have dared to reach out to while he was still alive) and heard more of the latter years of his life.
This friend said I was one of the first people he thought of to contact when Patrick died but he didn’t know how to get a hold of me.
He said Patrick loved me and missed me especially when he knew I was gone gone out of his life. He said Patrick had a hard time with that. “For a long time after you were gone, he really missed you. He had a really hard time once you were gone permanently and he knew he wasn’t gonna be able to get you back. There is no way you would have ever known that, but he did have a struggle with that. He would just say throughout the years ‘I wonder how Teresa is doing and what she is doing’.”
That’s my story about my ex Patrick that I never talked about publicly while he was alive. I didn’t share because it would have been too easy for it to get back to him and cause a potential connection again that I couldn’t handle. Plus, as long as he was alive, there was always the possibility of me being tempted.
But if I could encourage you higher than just overcoming, don’t awaken love until it’s time. There is a long line of consequences that your heart can’t handle if you choose to open that door before it’s time.
December 31st, 2022 so reflecting on the year…the Lord spoke to me “You have something to impart to the next generation about singleness. To know Me as a husband. They just need to hear it’s possible. How to renew your mind from compromise.”
Ladies and gentlemen, the moral of this story is God’s got your ex’s. He’s got the people lined up to witness to them. You aren’t strong enough to do this well. The Lord’s voice and your mentor’s voices are desperately needed when your mind gets tempted. You can’t think or hear straight.
To single well, you must resist temptation.
I could talk about a lot of other things you could do to single well, but I think in light of the recent news with major key highly respected apologetic/prayer movement leaders falling into sexual sin in the last few years, it’s enough to just labor in this one area.
To single well, you have to say a lot of no’s. With temptation, I play it out in my head. Like A would lead to B would lead to C. I think past immediate pleasure. And that helps.
As you can see in my story, God warned me in so many dreams. He longs to protect us from the traps of satan. But we have to heed His warnings.
Thankfully this is a story of overcoming temptation, but I am no fool to think that I won’t be tempted throughout my whole life. Satan waited until the next opportunity came to tempt JESUS (Luke 4:13), so he is for sure not relenting on TT. We must stay close to Jesus and stay humble, utterly dependent on Him to make it through victorious.
I try to get God’s heart on sin and truly hate it. This is the fear of the Lord. When I hear of these key leaders in the body of Christ falling, I am never shocked. It’s doesn’t lead me to judge them. It leads me immediately to my knees in my heart posture. My prayer, in addition to being deeply affected and grieved over these men’s decisions, is “keep me close to You Jesus.” It’s like the first words that come out of my mouth.
I faced a fork in the road, literally, on the streets of Asheville in 2005 that had potential to change the trajectory of my life.
Most of my single 23 years, I have LOVED being single. I thrive in singleness. I don’t feel desperate or feel like I need a man to complete me. Jesus is my life. He’s my everything. For a long time, I didn’t want to be married. God had to convince me that marriage was something He wanted in my life and that ministry would be better as a result. So, though I relate to Paul the most, in the Bible, I don’t think I am called to singleness.
But I am called to single well.
Dear Patrick,
This is my last letter to you.
You were my first love.
We made a lot of bad choices together. We both didn’t know what abundant life was yet.
But now we both know.
So thankful you got saved and baptized. I prayed for that for years. We are both forever changed. We aren’t the same people. If I could see you now, I would say your face looks different too.
We now know our for real First Love. You went to see Him sooner than I did.
I woke up to news you got to see Jesus face to face yesterday morning.
We knew this day was coming, but I still wish I never saw it.
The last times I heard you speak in person this year were a gift. I don’t think I left one of those times with dry eyes and sometimes steady streams of tears flowed as I thanked God in my heart for your yes.
Your yes for decades.
The obedience in which you walked to believe God for more and not less is UNREAL. If there was a human on earth that I would look to for what faith manifested here on earth is…you are up there on the list.
Your yes allowed me to do a discipleship training school in 2002. Your yes allowed me to staff my first DTS in Fiji because you believed in young people being championed and Lord knows I barely had a clue of what I was doing. Your yes opened the door to go to all 50 states in two shuttle buses for a year praying at every state capitol and trusting God for finances along the way. Your yes fueled the way to do a Bible school in Switzerland and then trust God to pioneer one in Hungary. Your yes took me to the hardest and darkest place, because I trusted that I could hear God’s voice….which your yes taught me.
When I was saved in 2000, I wrote a letter to God and said “I will learn about You and tell about You all of my life.” I didn’t know what YWAM was and for sure didn’t know that was it’s motto “To know God and make Him known.” But the DNA of the movement you started with Jesus was the very call of God on my life.
It would be in 2003 when I was called to go to every nation. You are one of the few people I know with the same call that went before me.
You went before me in so many ways. I didn’t know God could speak to me until my DTS. I read your book “Is that Really You God?” and was blown away by how laid down your life was. I learned how to give sacrificially because of your example. I learned how to intercede. I learned how to be visionary. I learned how to live in community. I learned how to confess sin. I learned how to worship freely.
It was in YWAM, that I was filled with the Holy Spirit’s power and preached the word of God with all boldness. It was in YWAM that I was freed from the fear of man.
The vision God gave you of the waves is what I find myself swimming in today. It’s wild because, I just found out you left to be with Jesus this morning on October 7th. I am in Egypt pioneering a new school with YWAM called “Word by Heart on Location.” I saw a vision of this school and now our faith is being made sight as we live it out.
You saw a vision of waves and just yesterday morning, October 6th, around 4am, not knowing you would see Jesus…I wrote in my journal, “I feel like I’m in a mighty rushing current…” Now in hindsight, knowing your vision of waves and knowing you have gone to be with Jesus….maybe God was having me sense the vision will go on. I’m in the wave crashing onto new shores in new nations.
Loren, your yes changed my life. Your yes to Jesus for decades changed my decades. I started with YWAM in missions and I am here with YWAM today dreaming more than ever.
Thank you is not enough.
I am a different woman because of you. Thank you for championing women. You put a mic in countless women’s hands because of your heart for “Why Not Women?” I found my voice in YWAM.
I think this picture sums up my good bye for now, Loren. I always wanted front row when you spoke. Full attention span on a man who truly knew God and made Him known.
The vision God gave you continues in us.
May I faithfully crash onto shores until I see Jesus face to face, too.
I received the news yesterday that you were gone to be with Jesus.
There were no words. Just tears.
I read through my journals last night to read of the times we had together. God gave YOU to me in your DTS. How did I get entrusted to run with you?
Before I knew you, I asked God what this season of lecture phase on your DTS was about. He said it was about resurrection. How the valley of dry bones would come to life. I wrote that on a card for you to welcome you to A-102.
And you did come to life.
The first ministry night of your DTS, on April 10th, 2023, you rededicated your life back to God. I remember you telling me the next morning as you sat on your bed as I was getting ready.
He led me to call our room in A building “Safe Haven.” God told me to show you home. I never told you that. I remember you later saying our room feels like home. That you haven’t been around such a healthy community before and with people who loved you so much. Those words carry so much weight now knowing this was our last season this side of heaven.
God had me waking up in the middle of the night to have my quiet time your whole DTS. I will always remember when you wanted to have your quiet time with me right next to me in a folded chair with light coming from the bathroom as our room was still asleep. You would show me a Bible verse that stuck out or ask for prayer.
The whole 150 days of Him waking me up was about taking care of the sheep entrusted to my care. Sure I had other people I was meeting with, but He highlighted YOU. You were a main focus for me. I told you how He said I was to walk alongside you in this season. What a gift.
I remember when you told me you sleep better at night knowing that I was awake next to the door having my quiet time. It was wild you said that because He had just shown me that a shepherd stays awake at night to watch the sheep against any predators.
He spoke to me about a true shepherd really caring for the sheep.
I truly loved you Cady. I remember you telling me how much you loved me. You loved our talks at night when you sat in your bunk bed and me in my mine. I remember one day especially when I got home after being gone all day and you told me over and over how much you missed me and how you were so glad to see me. It’s those moments that I’m so thankful I soaked up.
I remember one night you asking me “Would you be sad if I left?”
YES Cady, I’d be sad if you left.
Home is not home without the people that make it home. I remember you saying “I’m not used to love.”
I loved our room dinner when you got us chicken curry. Or the time you went to Costco and got me a TON of fruit and coconut waters. You were so generous. I’ll never forget how happy you were the day we ate at Thai Rin. You said you hoped I would always be in your life.
I loved our one on ones when I told you how proud I was of you, how far you had come. Jesus led me to speak LIFE into you. I told you that and you loved how I noticed the steps. We also talked about the hard things and He wanted me to emphasize the growth.
You grew so much in your DTS.
I cried so hard saying goodbye to you towards the end of lecture phase as I helped you to the flags where your dad picked you up. Your dad loved you to pieces. You knew that. As I processed your leaving the next morning, God spoke to me that I loved you until the end. I thought He meant the end of my time you were entrusted to my care. Now I see more clearly what He meant.
You encouraged me we would still have one on ones. And we did. Our last one was at Starbucks. The same as all the rest, but not…because I had no idea it was our last. The same….in that I encouraged you in how far you have come and saw the gold in you.
Jesus allows me to see people in a small way of how He sees them. Maybe that is why this year’s theme for me is “Eyes like Fire.” My prayer is to see rightly. And He truly allowed me to see a glimpse of how He sees you.
I remember the night we had story time. I shared with you about Yano. This feels so similar now losing you. God gave me Yano in her last season of life. I loved her like crazy. I had no idea God designed it that way to love her wildly in her exit. I remember her mom telling me that I showed her how to love Yano better. It was God’s love in me.
While I was with Yano in Israel in 2021, I had this encounter with God’s love. It changed me. The depth of love I felt for Yano was unreal.
And then He gave me you in 2023. The last written thing I have from you is “I love you so much TT so thankful for you ❤️ till we meet again!”
Yes til we meet again.
We will Cady. On April 10th, 2023….you rededicated your life back to Jesus. He’s the best Shepherd. I saw your love for Jesus first hand. I saw the deep desire for Him and His ways. I’ll never forget our times with tears, prayers and talks. You loved Him and now you are with Him because of His blood poured out for you. It’s amazing grace. And I can’t wait to see you when I get there.
Every year, I ask God for a theme that will be the focus for the year.
On January 1, 2023, I heard the theme will be “Eyes like Fire.”
Then He spoke to me “Revelation 21:7” so I looked it up and it reads “All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.” The key word in that verse is “victorious.” So that means we could also not be victorious and not inherit those blessings.
To be victorious means to win the race. And the way to win is to discipline yourself daily. To walk in purity.
When I think of why His eyes looked like fire, I immediately think of a fire that purifies. That burns up all that was done for self and keeps all that was done for Him. Only the imperishable remains when we behold the King of Kings with eyes like fire.
The verses that came to mind were “To the pure you show yourself pure…” (Psalm 18:26) and “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” (Matthew 5:8)
When we walk in purity, we see God purely and are blessed as result.
A lot of our purity comes down to what we look at. Just think about that for a minute. What do you watch on TV? What do you watch on your phone? What movies do you do see? Who did you keep staring at though you are married or they are married? What book did you read? What store did you go in? What shopping did you do? Who are you looking at on social media? What do you look at?
I must take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. That’s how I can walk in purity. Our thoughts start our actions, so if we start at the thoughts, we should be on the way of purity.
Since our Father has eyes like fire, may it be said of me that she had her Dad’s eyes. I remember someone saying in Africa that they couldn’t look at my eyes when I talked to them, like the conviction was too much. It’s Jesus in us. There is nothing good in me, but I house the Holy Spirit. I recall several times in Scripture where Paul, Peter and John (Acts 3:4, Acts 14:9 and Acts 23:1) looked intently at others and that’s what I imagine God has for me this year.
I want to see things, people, situations and atmospheres as they are. You may see the shame on people’s faces, the sin they walk in, the gifts they have yet to open, the fear, the pride, yet you will also see the gold in them, the things they do well that reflect they are His children. Eyes that see sickness, sin, and demonic oppression and yet love wildly and forgive easy. Eyes that see all this and are accountable. Seeing this doesn’t mean I will say anything or do anything…unless He directs me. I see a lot I never say to anyone.
I want to have my Father’s eyes in 2023.
When we look at Jesus, we are purified. Think of Isaiah’s vision when he saw the Lord. Immediate repentance and then cleansing. Jesus reminded me that the Israelites looked at the bronze snake in the wilderness they would live instead of die. And he put both of these together and encouraged me “What you look at can make you live.” Whoa.
When you have eyes like fire you will see things clearly. In 2022, He had me focus on being Wide Awake. 2023 is building off of that theme. You must first be wide awake to see things clearly.
As I read the Bible this year, the Lord will be asking me “What do you see?” God would ask the prophets this question in the Bible. (Jeremiah 1:11, 1:13, 24:3, Amos 7:8)
It reminded me of a book I finished at the close of 2022, Spiritual Leadership by Oswald Sanders. The summation was you can either choose to be a popular leader or an unpopular prophet. Usually you will do both at the same time, but when you reach a crossroads where you know your message will lose your popularity, there in lies your faithfulness or for some that choose popularity….their unfaithfulness.
I have passed this test before and I am fully aware that I could compromise in the future for a crowd, so Jesus keeps me on a tight leash where I will choose holiness, purity and His truth over anyone else. May it always remain that way.
This time with God reminded me of something He spoke to me in 2020 “Better to persecuted than praised.” May I always remember this.
And if I keep going this way, beholding the King with eyes like fire, I will live. I will be entrusted with revival and steward it well. I will live for an audience of One giving Him the glory. I will walk in purity, with thoughts constantly taken captive. My mind will be renewed as I choose so wisely what I behold. I will see others clearly and Jesus will show me what to do with that. My goal is to burn the brightest at the end when I meet Jesus face to face.
May I run this race victoriously.
Please pray for me in 2023 to allow His gaze with eyes like fire to burn up anything in me that isn’t Him and for me to steward well what I see.
You Will Go To Every Nation 