The theme God gave me for 2022 was to be “Wide Awake.”

It’s interesting to hear what people say about you in their encouragements to you. Being with YWAM Kona working with Discipleship Training Schools and Word by Heart, you get a lot of time to listen to others teach you.

I always loved to sit in front of class and take notes, not being distracted and catching their every word. People would say “Teresa, you are so humble.” They would be struck at how I was always learning from others though I had been in positions of leadership before that were much greater than what I was currently doing. I truly WAS learning from others and hope that I am always a learner until the day I meet Jesus face to face.

A mere title of leadership is nothing. Anyone can wear a badge. A true leader is one that leads without a title. It’s in you, because you have been entrusted by the King of Kings to be faithful with what He has given you. You are either a 5 talent Christian who stays close to the Shepherd and sees multiplication as a result or one who buries his gifts not knowing His master’s character at all. It’s a choice we make every day.

I discovered this year at YWAM Kona, I was always pushed as a believer. They pray ALL the time. They worship ALL the time. Many of the leader’s faith is way higher than mine. That’s good for you. Along with doing Crossfit for the first time, I realized it’s always good to do things you aren’t great at. To be pushed….it keeps you humble. Be around people that are greater than you, do things you can’t do well and stay close to Jesus. If you stay there, you will stay humble and not get it twisted.

The “Wide Awake” part wasn’t just for in class alertness; it was for worship, working out, conversations, and the ability to listen to the Holy Spirit as you listen to someone talking. It was being alert as you walked in Africa, being alert to the spirit realm and to the vast difference of what it looks like to be a Christian ready with oil in their lamps or one that runs dry figuring they will get it together one day or another.

I loved reading through the Bible chronologically. I highlighted what it meant to be “Wide Awake” as a believer in Jesus. It formed my mind all year.

My biggest takeaway from 2022, in being Wide Awake, is that you see and hear things others don’t notice at all. It isn’t that you are special or unique, it’s that you were paying attention in the physical and spirit realm. Being alert gives you a way different perspective. You pick up on room dynamics, people’s emotions and their overall countenance without even trying. You are making your thoughts obedient to Christ constantly and as a result, you SEE the world different.

It isn’t that you are just a positive person for the sake of being positive, you are thankful constantly. You don’t allow the enemy to steal, kill and destroy. You forgive very very quickly. And it keeps you in a state of peace with God and with man.

Romans 6:13 was on repeat this year from the Holy Spirit. “Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God.” Jesus cares that you walk in purity. I wanna be a vessel of honor in actions and thoughts for the glory of God.

In 2022, I memorized more Scripture than ever. That also takes being wide awake. What do you want stored in your mind? We make those decisions every day of what we invest and there is fruit as a result, depending on what we feed our minds with. Jesus wants the Word in me for possible prison one day for the testimony of Jesus.

Being with YWAM Kona was like a little taste of heaven on earth. What a spacious and fertile land the Lord brought me into….a land flowing with milk and honey. I love how they love the gospel and the Word. I am living in a legacy.

I prayed, fasted, and learned a lot about revival this year. The Hebrides revival marked me for life. I want to be someone who can be trusted with revival and also steward it well.

Revival isn’t a miracle as Finney says, it is a decision. A choice to live a lifestyle of repentance. Yes, God comes in powerful ways like in Scotland during the Hebrides Revival, but there were a faithful few who laid down their lives in prayer first.

Zambia was in revival when we went this year. I have never seen anything like what I saw there. People chased our team begging for the Word of God to be shared with them. People immediately received Jesus followed by miracles. It was the book of Acts before our eyes.

I saw answers to prayer this year. I truly believe this year was marked with “Ask for anything in My name and I will do it.” Many might not know what I prayed, but Jesus and I know and we celebrated together. Never go weary in praying for years for the same thing. He hears and He answers.

I discipled many this year. I will always be amazed that people trust me with their story. They tell me things they have never told anyone and we watch as Jesus brings healing to relationships and families. Things in darkness come to light and once in the light…there is no limit to what God can do.

Many of the people I was entrusted with evangelized, saw someone come to know Jesus, preached, and taught for the first time this year. To see “firsts” is like being a mother watch their children take their first steps. You celebrate so much and know it only goes up from here, as long as they stay close to Jesus.

In 2022, I had dreams, visions and words of knowledge. He spoke to me through His word over and over. I turned 22 in the Lord. That means I have been alive as long as I was dead. 22 years without Him and 22 with Him.

I loved living in community at YWAM Kona. Those relationships are gifts from God. People would ask me “Is it hard to live with so many people?” Not at all. It’s my choice. Living on top bunk…sharing a bathroom with 8 other girls…and living life on life discipleship is where it’s at. I believe this is how Jesus did it. Life on life.

Thank you Jesus for 2022, for more stones stacked than ever. Life with You in abundant. I know now what it means to be Wide Awake. And I can go into 2023, building off of the foundation You laid in 2022. Here’s to many more adventures with my King.

Funniest moment of 2022: Hania and I’s first one on one in Word by Heart. Died laughing.

Greatest runs of 2022: Both half marathons Jesus told me to do in Kona.

Greatest compliment of 2022: That I looked like Jesus.

My favorite band of 2022: Sons the Band….hands down.

Best salvation story of 2022: Edward the witch doctor in Zambia.

Best answer to prayer in 2022: being with fam

Most refreshing moment in 2022: When people were crying out for Bibles to get to nations in corporate worship/intercession at YWAM Kona

Best book I read in 2022: Why Revival Tarries by Leonard Ravenhill

Fave ministry moment with fam in 2022: Sharing my full content presentation with my fam at Christmas

Most repeated Scripture He highlighted to me in 2022: Romans 6:13

Favorite part of 2022: Being at YWAM Kona is like a little taste of heaven. He brought me into a spacious land….a land flowing with milk and honey.

Here at YWAM Kona, we call the message that continually burns on our hearts the “Burning Heart Message.” I have many messages, but this particular one has burned on my heart for years.

To burn your whole life for Jesus. That’s all I care about. 

To see you seek Jesus not just in 6 months intervals, but for the marathon that is eternal life. He who believes has eternal life. This is present tense. Belief is not mere speculation, it’s action that follows this side of heaven.

To see you choose Jesus when no one is looking is real faith. To see you follow the Lord at home or in the nations. To discover the Lion and the Lamb for all of your days.

You can totally start well and not finish well. 

Anyone can do a trip and burn with others who are burning. That’s contagiousness. But what is IN YOU? What remained? Some burn for 3 whole years. Some for decades. I wanna be one that it could be said of “She stayed on fire for God her whole life.” And not only that. “She burned the brightest at the end.”

When Joseph was given his prophetic dream he didn’t give up. He held onto the dream that God gave him. (Gen 37) It would take decades before anything made sense. But one day it did when he saw his brothers.

Don’t get bitter in the process of your brothers selling you out.

It was all a part of the plan.

Love one another. Then the world will know you are My disciples. If you can weep after two decades like Joseph, your heart stayed in the right place. 

Those who accept Jesus’ commands and obey them love Him. (Jn 14:21) Love is directly tied to obedience. Allow God to prune away anything that doesn’t produce fruit in your life. You can’t be fruitful unless you remain in Him. (Jn 15:4)

The Pharisees and Solomon both started with great intentions. 

The Pharisees wanted to get it right. They loved God and His law. But it got outta hand. They went above and beyond and in the process lost the heart. They became hypocrites. Jesus would say to people about the Pharisees, “Do what they teach and not what they do.” (Mt 23:3)

Never do I ever want that spoken of me. But I know that all of us have a little hypocrisy in us. We all say we believe the Bible, but don’t live it 100. So there is grace for sure, but a higher call to live consistently with what we say verses what we actually do.

All Solomon wanted was wisdom. And he got it to the tune of no one before him or after him had this much wisdom. (1 Kings 3:12) He wrote great things and things we can still read Proverbs today. But he finished with Ecclesiastes. None of the 700 wives and 300 concubines satisfied. The Kingdom was torn from him because those wives eventually led to him to choosing to follow their gods. The most wisdom, but if not applied means nothing.

If you love God, you obey Him. The two can not be separated.

Imagine if that was your dad? Writing all these great things and not walking in them. I am not a mother, but I wouldn’t want my kids saying to me “Do what mom says, but not what she does.”

How many stories do we know like that? Maybe it has been our own story.

Benefit of their doubt, the Pharisees and Solomon didn’t have the Spirit of God dwelling in them. We do. We know that voice saying “This is the way, walk in it.”

Are you willing to sign up for the long distance run? Sometimes I wonder because we say we are going to read the Bible, work out, evangelize, and get up early for our quiet time. And then nothing. We can have the best intentions and even convictions but watch it last about 2 times and we out.

How do we last? And not turn into stale bread. No one likes stale bread. By this I mean, we are going through all the motions but appearing half dead.

How do we last and burn? 

How do we resist temptation to lie, hide, commit adultery, fraud and immorality?

What is the key? What is the way?

Ask any old couple that have been married for 50+ years how they did it. I think we could find amazing parallels to our relationship with God.

I read an Acts 29 article that said:

Only 30% of leaders out of 1,000 in the Bible finished well. 

That shakes me to my core. I wanna be the Joshua and Caleb, the Paul, the Peter who said “Where could we go, You have the words of eternal life.”

I don’t wanna be the one belting “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back until I am tempted to __________/ and maybe _________.”

Just purely living “I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. No turning back.”

So what is the key to walking with God your whole life?

Never stop walking with Him.

Jesus is the only perfect one in the house. We can follow Him all of our days. There isn’t a formula. He is the Shepherd and I’ll just stay close behind Him.

There is grace. Thank God. He is the only perfect One. But a higher call resonates in my soul to stay as close to that Shepherd as possible.

We gotta be awake. Alert. Focused. And stay close to the Lamb all your days.

Let’s let Him finish well in us what He started.

Sometime around 2004, I sensed the Lord say that one day I will scuba dive and learn how to trust Him in the deep.

It’s one thing to say we trust Him with our whole lives, until He asks for your lungs.

This year, God has been highlighting Romans 6:13 on repeat: to give Him every part of myself as an instrument of righteousness.

So I have been thinking “Give Him my eyes, ears, mouth, mind, motives, right pinky finger. You name it, it’s Yours.” I guard my ears and eyes well. I am very careful what I watch or listen to. Some might call that being too strict or religious, but I call it being consecrated. I want nothing to hinder me and Jesus.

All these years, when I talked about my bucket list Jesus and I made together….I would have to take a deep breathe when I ever mentioned scuba diving. Like a physical deep breathe just talking about it. It made me nervous. The thought of a tank on my back and being totally dependent on that equipment to not fail, so I could breathe, was literally breath taking.

But I knew the invitation was to deeper trust with Jesus. That it wasn’t about scuba diving per se but more about a symbolic act of trusting God to take you deeper. If I trust Him, I would see beautiful things. Things that many might not ever see.

In 2019, I had a vision of me in the depth of the ocean with 3-4 people. Jesus was the lifeguard. (love that analogy) There were many people in the vision on the boardwalk taking selfies with the ocean (symbol of God’s presence) but not willing to totally immerse themselves in God. Some baby Christians were at the shore dipping their toes in the water.

However, I was out in the deep. We were surface level, but we out der. Jesus really encouraged me in this vision that I just needed to focus on the disciples He gave me and really pour into them. Teach them how to stay out there.

This year, I am with Youth With A Mission (YWAM) in Kona, Hawaii. As I was going through leadership training, Daniel (our leader of the leadership track here in Kona) offered to train us in getting scuba certified.

I knew it was the time. From 2004-2022, there never seemed like an opportune time while living in Iraq, Israel, Afghanistan, Hungary, etc to go scuba diving, but this made sense. This was the time. And while I am in such a transition season of joining YWAM again, it made sense that Jesus would want to take me deeper in Him.

And deeper we are going.

March 23rd, 2022, I started the day in my quiet time. I am reading the Bible through chronologically. I “JUST SO” happened to be reading about Joshua and the Israelites all crossing the Jordan….finally!!!! Manna dried up for the first time in 40 years. They crossed over into their promised land. They took their first town….Jericho. I read how the Lord was with Joshua in all this.

This day, March 23rd, right after reading that, I got ready to do my first scuba diving lesson in a pool. I had done all the online training and rented my gear to finally cross this “Jordan moment” in my life of giving God my lungs.

In the pool, we had to do exercises for “just in case” scenarios. Like your mask fills half way with water while under. Your mask fills all the way. Your mask comes off. Your regulator (thing you breathe in and out of) comes out of your mouth. You run out of air and you need to use your buddy’s air. All that under water.

The mask thing got me. I kept inhaling water as it flooded my nose. It was kinda like rubbing your stomach while patting your head. I couldn’t seem to get it. It really made me wanna quit. (those thoughts that run through your head when you are getting pushed into next level stuff with God)

Tip for life: When God has something in store for you…a new transition with Him….a deeper invitation to trust Him…the enemy or your own flesh/mind will convince you that quitting is the better option. Don’t quit. The desire to quit USUALLY happens with every great move of God in my life. It usually happens right at the birth of the vision when I am actually taking steps to obey. Don’t abort the baby when the Lord is trying to birth something new in your life. You’ll be so glad you didn’t. Don’t quit.

My track record with wanting to quit, at the onset, is too consistent for my liking.

1. My first few days in Afghanistan I wanted to leave. Now, Muslim nations are my fave.
2. Crossfit. Wanted to quit the first day. Now I do it about 4 times a week.
3. Last year working as a nurse with Samaritan’s Purse in Covid tents. The first N95 I put on I was claustrophobic and freaked out for a second feeling like I couldn’t breathe. And I had to wear this 12 hours! I prayed and Jesus helped me. It ended up being SUCH an amazing gift from God to live out Matthew 25 in taking care of the sick.
4. White water rafting on the Nile in 2013. That freak out moment when they do the test flip. The Lord spoke to me that He wanted me to do this. It was SO amazing. But I wanted to quit in the beginning. We had the most exhilarating ride!
5. First week of the last mission org I was with for almost 8 years, I wanted to quit while in Costa Rica. I ended up LOVING all the squads I got to work with and lead.
6. Canyoning in Ecuador in 2015. Freaked out before we jumped from a 40 ft drop…but heard His voice say I could trust Him.

So I didn’t quit on all those. But I wanted to.

Thankfully my scuba instructor, Daniel (my leader) is a Christian, I know him, and he carries the capital F…Father’s heart. And it showed while I kept having to repeat the mask skill. He was so patient. I was so thankful.

I didn’t quit.

At one point in the pool, we just swam underwater in the pool using our breathing machine and that was the moment, I started to enjoy it.

If we don’t quit, we follow Him anywhere.

March 24th, 2022…the next day, God had reminded me that morning, in my quiet time, “My Presence goes with you. Remember that today.” We went to the ocean and did a total of 4 dives. First we started with no gear on and a 200m swim in the ocean. TT had never done that. I swam in the ocean for recreation, but not distance. There is a first time for everything.

After that, we did our first dive. It was going to be at 25 feet deep practicing the skills again. I am not an anxious person. I usually walk in a lot of peace, but ya gurl was nervous. 18 years in the making of taking deep breathes just talking about scuba diving was coming to a head in about 2.5 seconds.

I told Daniel “My stomach is upset” right before we descended. He said “You are probably just nervous….you will feel better when we go down.” And I did.

Life lesson: As soon as you actually take the first step of obedience you are usually fine. All the training we went through online had to show worst case scenarios. That coupled with TT own’s thoughts made for interesting scenarios playing in my head. It’s good to know the costs, count them, but make sure you actually TAKE THE STEP! Or for me, the descent.

The first mask exercise at 25 feet deep, I inhaled my fair share of salt water. Plus my sunscreen was now soaking in my eyes in salt water. I wanted to go up to the surface. But I kept trying to clear my mask of all the water and did. Nose burning and all. That was a win.

Daniel led us as we swam around, after those skills were completed and I just stayed close to Daniel and looked around the sea. I had that moment of reminder from God that I could trust Him like Joshua did in crossing the Jordan. It was amazing. It felt like my own crossing moment.

It was worth it.

The 2nd dive was beautiful. We saw an eel, all kinds of fish and the reef.

I didn’t take pictures, as none of us had underwater cameras, but this is what I saw at “2 Step.” It’s called “2 Step” because you take two steps into the ocean like picture shown here to get in. (photos from online)

The 3rd dive, was more skills. I had to take off my mask under water and there I inhaled more water but again, didn’t quit, and was able to clear it. Then we swam around.

The 4th dive, Daniel wanted us to lead the whole thing so we could prove we could do it alone. He was right there with us. (so many parallels in how to disciple people)

They were like “Teresa, you lead.” TT is just happy to be breathing underwater. I am literally reminding myself “Don’t drop the regulator from your mouth, TT.” So I was like “Nahhhhhh!” Paul ended up leading.

My response also showed me a lot about myself. I have led most of my Christian life. I love discipling people, leading groups in passion and vision for the gospel, etc….but it all comes from a place of following. When anyone asks “How can I pray for you?” my usual answer is “Pray I stay close to Jesus.” I love following Him.

In scuba diving, I just wanted to stay close to the person who was confident in what he was doing and knowing that, I could just stay close and follow. That’s my Christian life. Yes, you may follow me as your “leader” but it’s only because I am following closely to the One who is leading me.

When we completed our dives, we rose to the top and Daniel congratulated us that we were now officially scuba certified. He gave us great feedback too on what we could improve on. Like me, floating to the top because I was kicking my fins in a way that would make me resurface. LOL. I have to laugh because in my mind I am thinking “just breathe” and sometimes forget all the other key moves. Daniel was also great at reminding me of how well I was doing. This reminds me of walk with Jesus. Jesus gives me positive and constructive feedback too.

When we got out for our final time, I was giddy. So full of joy that I had trusted God with this. When I got home, I had some quiet time (in the shower….when you live with a bunch of people…that is your moment of solitude) and had THE BIGGEST smile on my face from sheer joy of obeying God in going scuba diving. I am not sure that I have experienced that much joy (and ya gurl lives in awe of this abundant life) in a long time.

Obedience = Joy.

Just ask John. (15:11)

We had our normal corporate gathering that night (a few hours after I got back) and we had worship. My body internally was physically still moving from the waves I had been in all day. My heart just overflowed in worship.

Romans 6:13 is being fleshed out in me.

Who knew, we could surrender our lungs to Him. He wants all of us.

The following morning, I wanted to process with the Lord about all He showed me. I asked “Is there anything You want to show me from scuba diving?” He said “You had to have the right armor.” In scuba diving, before you go out, you make sure all your gear is on right. How many of us leave home without our spiritual armor on every day?

Also if ONE piece is defective, it’s not gonna be good for you. So make sure you love that breastplate of righteousness. Make sure you love purity. Make sure you love and know the Word of God. That is your only weapon. You can’t show up in the deep with no air in your tank, or no regulator or no idea of even how to scuba dive. You have to come prepared. That’s us, every day, with our armor.

God reminded me of something Daniel told the three of us that he trained. “You are the most insulated and weighted group I have ever had.” We all wore wet suits. I get cold easily so I knew the Lord told me, in the scuba shop prior to going, to get a full length wet suit. And because of our wet suits, we were harder to sink….so we had to add weights to our vests so we could stay down in the deep.

God highlighted that in my quiet time and spoke to me about that in the spiritual sense. To be insulated means to be set apart from the rest. It means to be protected from the loss of heat and the intrusion of sound….all the noises vying for your attention.

He spoke into the weighted part, about the weight of glory. And the more weight, the deeper you go in Him. Also, in our training, we learned the deeper you go the more pressure there is. So many parallels. If you choose to live a life in the deeper part of the ocean, you might get outside pressure, but stay down there following the Lamb wherever He is going.

Don’t be a surface Christian to make other

surface Christians feel better about themselves.

When the pressure increases as you go deeper, you have to acknowledge it and do something about it or you will hurt yourself. Like we had to equalize our ears as we went down. If we didn’t our eardrums could burst.

When the pressure comes, take care of your hearing.

Underwater, sound travels 4x faster. But you won’t be able to tell how close a boat is or where it is coming from. The sound gets to you quicker.

If you go deeper, His voice gets to you that much quicker. You might not be able to tell where the sound is coming from or where it is going (underwater but also with everyone born of the Spirit…John 3:8), but it’s that much faster to you because you are following so closely with Him in the deep.

So, all that to say, I am so thankful I can follow Jesus wherever He leads me. I can do everything He has led me to do. He is Emmanuel, the spotless confident Lamb that I can follow ever so closely into 50 feet of water or into every nation.

Jesus, you have my lungs.

Please pray I stay close.

Before I receive a theme for the year, I intentionally stop listening to other voices….voices that influence….online sermons, etc. I only wanna hear His voice. I even tried to ask the Lord 12/19/21 what He had for the new year and I heard “Not now.” All in His timing. First, we needed to reflect and then today He assured me that the theme would be something He has been talking to me about for years.

This year’s focus is to be:

Wide Awake

Definitions I found online for “Wide Awake” are fully awake with eyes wide open, able to think clearly, and react quickly. Alert. Watchful. Keen. Observant.

The Lord has been speaking end time language to me since 2020. Things like “stay awake” from Matthew 24:42 and really thinking about eternity and the second Coming of Christ. My filter has been “Will I stand before Him unashamed?” Will what I am doing now effect eternity?

In 2020, I could tell Christians were getting deceived and confused. The obvious in Christianity was getting twisted and I committed to reading through the whole Bible that year. (I have read through the Bible maybe 18-20 times but knew that year it was EXTRA important to keep my mind renewed on the daily.) I didn’t care if I was reading about bars overlaid with gold or Hezekiah or whatever. I just need the true narrative in my head.

That year I also fasted social media. In the Bible, it talks about letting the land lie fallow in the 7th year for healthier crops. It’s about trust because you eat for three years what the 6th year harvest brought in. In the 8th year, you are still eating the old crops….which for me was 2021. I remember leaving Georgia in July 21′ and as I crossed the GA/NC line the song sang “New Adventures in Your Presence.”

In the 9th year, you eat from the new harvest that comes in. For TT, that means being with Fire and Fragrance with Youth With a Mission (YWAM) but more important than that…just being with Jesus in the 9th year.

2022, is my “9th year”….it’s the year of the harvest and my name, Teresa, also means harvest. In the Bible, in Greek the word for harvest is θερίζω pronounced  therizó.

I have butterflies in my stomach this morning as I think of all God could have this year. Literal excitement that is affecting me physically. What will the harvest look like? It will be richer and healthier as I trusted the Lord to let the land lie fallow, plant a new crop and now will watch for fruit that LASTS to come in.

Key Verse for 2021: Matthew 24:42

“Therefore, stay awake, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming.”

Plan for Bible reading: I will read through the Bible Chronologically for the first time.(thank you Bill and Laura Jenkins for the Bible) As I read I will specifically be reading through the filter of what it means to be awake and how to stay awake.

Key chapters I listened to this morning are Matthew 24-26 which is what He has been constantly reminding me of the last two years. Things that stuck out are:

• See to it to that no one leads you astray.
• Many false prophets….
• One who endures to the end will be saved
• STAY AWAKE
• Be ready
• Who is the faithful and wise servant?
• Oil ready
• Five talents…well done good and faithful servant
• Separate one from another (day of judgment….my first dream of Jesus was about this day that will happen in the future when He separates the sheep from the goats)
• I was sick and you visited Me. “Jesus, when did we see you sick?” (don’t miss Him)
• Whatever you did to the least of these, you did to Me. ~Jesus
• Woman who knew what was up, poured out something costly for Jesus
• You gotta eat the body and drink the blood
• The inner circle, close, ride-or-die disciples couldn’t stay awake at the critical hour
• Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. ~Jesus
• Judas had a crowd with him to kill Jesus.
• All the disciples fled. Peter, who said he would never deny, denied.

There are deceptive lullabies that lure us in and deceive us in this world, much like the serpent did with Eve, in the Garden…like I read this morning. We must be awake and recall what God said….and not waver when the world or satan tell us another story.

So for 2022, I am more alert than ever. This is my focus. This is my goal. And I will teach others how to be awake in the critical hour it is. I want the Bride prepared for His return. I want oil in lamps. The truth understood and proclaimed. And for all that I encounter to GET READY. He’s coming at an hour we do not know.

But you gotta be ready. Eyes wide open. Wide awake. 2022.

Every year, I review my journals and draw stones in my most current journal of all the nuggets that happened along the way. It helps to me recall all that He did, celebrate the milestones, see the themes and see the recurring Scriptures and encouragements from Him. These are all things I might not notice if I didn’t sit through and look at all my journals in one day.

I wanted to share some of the things He taught me in 2021. This year had quite possibly the most stones I have ever drawn. Either I am noticing more or life with Him just keeps getting more and more abundant.

The theme for 2021 was “i follow the Lamb wherever He goes.” This will cost you and it will be worth it. It is on a narrow road that few find. You might not get a ton of pats on the back but you get the “well done” of the King’s approval and that is all that matters. It’s the Exodus 13:21 life. You follow Him with a cloud by day and fire by night. You follow Him into the land unsown. And you even follow Him through the valley of the shadow of death.

On January 1, 2021, He encouraged me from Revelation 14 about being set apart to follow Him, James 1:2 about considering it pure joy when you go through trials, Acts 5:40 about what to do when you are ordered not to speak, 1 Peter 1:6 about rejoicing in trials, and wearing my armor…that I was gonna need it. Isn’t He such a good Father that prepares His kids that seek Him?

I never wanna be famous. I see so much compromise to keep a crowd. People that I would think once had Biblical convictions cower in the face of the public so as to keep their audience and be loved by the world.

Sometimes Jesus had a crowd, but He was also hung on a cross with very few in attendance at His greatest stance in history. When many disciples left when His teachings got hard, He looked at His disciples like the BOSS He is and asked if they wanted to leave too. He wasn’t into fans. He was into obedience.

I would rather have confidence in the Truth and be ridin’ solo than have a crowd built on compromise. Not just singing the good ol’ hymn “I have decided to follow Jesus” with “If none go with me still I will follow”….but actually living it. Big difference.

I watch parents and leaders bend to be loved by man instead of unashamed before the Lamb and His commandments.

“Christians are not so much in danger when they are persecuted as when they are admired.” ~Charles Spurgeon

If you ask, He wants to show you. This year, I read Ephesians 1:4 and asked God to show me what it means to be chosen. He answered that prayer with Yano. I have had 4 incredible encounters with God’s glory that couldn’t be mustered up in worship, couldn’t be constructed, figured out how to replicate or be scheduled….but only happen when Jesus wants to brings them. One of these encounters happened this year after praying for Him to show me what is means to be chosen. He wants to answer our prayers if we will ask Him and wait for the answer.

We made a sect of Christianity that doesn’t exist. Jesus made it really clear when He said He would spit the lukewarm out of His mouth. I believe the biggest pandemic we have facing the church right now is “Nominal Christianity.” It could be defined as calling ourselves believers when we have never really followed Him. We don’t know Him and He doesn’t know us. That’s a tragedy.

Matthew 24. Be awake. Jesus has been speaking a lot of end times language with me over the course of the last two years. Things like “have your oil ready.” “Be awake and alert.” I’m not of the persuasion that you can calculate the last 222 years, divide it by 2, subtract it by 3 and come at Jesus’ return date….but I do know He is coming back. And when He comes, whenever that is, we need to be ready.

Matthew 25. When you love the body of Christ, you love Him. He stamped out this message to me in the joy of nursing this year. “Can I get you something to drink?” “Are you hungry?” Being with Covid patients when they are sick and staying awhile…not rushing out of their room. Really asking how they are doing.

It IS about heaven and hell. I was told so many times in the last few years “It is not about heaven and hell.” Whenever I mentioned repentance it was like I had just cussed. I was told over and over how Christianity was more about this life on earth, how we need to focus on self (Find out your Enneagram, Meyers Brigg and your “true self” and remember who we are (hyper focus on identity) and a bunch of other temporary nonsense.

I remember being asked not to teach how to share the gospel with an emphasis on hell.

When I had to defend the existence of hell being eternal suffering last year, it grew in me an even greater urgency for the gospel. People have to accept Christ to be with Jesus forever. Universalism isn’t the new black. People are dying….and facing eternity.

Our dumbing down the gospel message to the gospel of self is literally killing people every day. They face Jesus in eternity and can undoubtedly quote how awesome they are, but don’t know Him. And He doesn’t know them.

Satan schemes are subtle. If he can get Christians to believe that there is no original sin, that Jesus dying on the cross doesn’t need to be emphasized, that hell isn’t eternal suffering and the Bible is fallible, then of course I could see why you wouldn’t even care to evangelize. You are actually a universalist. It isn’t “about heaven and hell” because you might not even believe either exist. Hence the lack of urgency and might as well focus on self because this life is all we got. TT’s got about 120 on earth and ETERNITY in ETERNITY….so I believe we have all authority to live for and focus on that.

I will not be silent. I will keep preaching and keep teaching and oh the gates of hell will not prevail. Thanks Mav City. And Acts 5:29 on point. Where my obedience lies.

I will shake the dust off. Super hard for the pursuer He made me to be. He wired me to go after the one and never give up on people. But sometimes, it’s Biblical to shake the dust off your feet and say “bye bye…I ain’t mad at cha, got nuttin’ but love fo ya, but buh bye. You ain’t pickin’ up what He’s putting down.”

What difference will I make in Covid? Thank you Mark Hodge for that question in 2020. I was so thankful Jesus led me to nursing with Samaritan’s Purse and with Harris. What mission fields they were. Matthew 25 lived out with taking care of Jesus. I got the JOY to take care of Covid patients all throughout the year.

20th consecutive negative Covid test. I don’t take that for granted. I learned that when Jesus wants to open a door, He opens it. It He wants to close it, He will close it. 20 negative Covid tests sent me into nations and opportunities that I wouldn’t have been able to go to otherwise.

We out here in the deep. Jesus didn’t make me for shallow waters. He encouraged me with Isaiah 43 several times this year. “When you go through the deep waters, I will be with you.” Emmanuel, remains my favorite name of Jesus.

Fear and faith are contagious. I’ll spend my life teaching people to not fear and walk in faith.

Gap C. I soaked them up. I love Gen Z and somehow He let me be with Gap C for every leg of their journey.

Social media fast is over. After fasting social media for a year, I learned it is GOOD and God’s desire to let the land lie fallow. When He leads you to take a break, it’s for a reason. It was good I wasn’t on social media March 2020-March 2021. The Lamb knows how to lead His kids.

My life will look more and more like what I read in Scripture. I think some Christians think the Bible is a fiction novel that makes for a good bedtime story to read their kids before bed instead of a prescription for how to live life. The longer I am a believer, the more I want my life to look like what I am reading and not some watered down cultural rendition of compromise.

Gotta stick to the foundations. Unity is called compromising truth these days for some false sense of oneness. Don’t drink the Kool-aid.

Even Michael Jordan said “The minute you get away from fundamentals – whether its proper technique, work ethic or mental preparation – the bottom can fall out of your game, your schoolwork, your job, whatever you’re doing.“

Keeping my heart soft. Don’t get bitter. Keep your heart tender and soft. If you lost your compassion, ask Jesus for His heart back. Forgive 70 times 7. Love always. Bless those who persecute you. But in this, don’t get it twisted….still stand for the gospel. Oppose false teachers. These two realities coexisted in Jesus. Make sure your love and your kindness mirror what we see in the Word of God.

Sometimes the place you are trying to bring deliverance to kicks you out. This happened to Jesus too when He freed the man possessed by demons. When they realized their pockets would be hurt, they kicked Jesus out.

If Jesus wants to give you antibodies to get into Israel, He will do it. And not only that, the highest level of antibodies that your medical report can’t determine if you have been vaccinated or recovered.

Make it make sense people.

People are watching you. As I watch leader after leader fall….it puts the fear of God in me more than ever to stay close to the Lamb. I think the hardest part, is that these were once people we once gleaned from. I know people are watching my life. They are looking to see how I live with Jesus. This carries a holy weight to it that I don’t take lightly. Jesus asked Peter, who had caved to the fear of man prior, “Do you love Me?” The proof in the pudding answer was….then you take care of My sheep. That’s love.

Never give up on praying for people. You just never know when they will get saved. You never know the story God is writing. KEEP PRAYING!

Navy Seals. They live in the 1%. They know they have to live a completely different lifestyle. Makes me think of when the Bible talks about vessels made for special purposes. If you are called to be a Navy Seal Christian, you can’t look at the majority of the Body of Christ to get your cues for how to follow Jesus.

Make sure when you get persecuted you throw a party and rejoice like the Word taught us to. Luke 6:23 lyfe. #IYKYK

My filter, from which all stances for Jesus go through, is will I stand unashamed before the Lamb on the day I face Him? We all need some spiritual guts and strong spiritual backbone in these days. People will hate you. It’s fine. Jesus prepared you for this.

Take care of yourself. And pour yourself out. I am a firm believer that when you gave your life to Christ, you gave your life to Christ. I agree with George Whitfield that it is “better to wear out than rust out.” My greatest stories are when I lose my life and barely sleep, expose myself to Covid to help someone sick, eat whatever is set before me (even when I feel gross afterwards) and lose all sense of routine and schedule. It’s in the poured out moments of living in the streets with the homeless (thanks Erica Jenkins) that some of the greatest stories are born. Yet I still try, when I can, to eat from a whole food diet, sleep eight hours a night, work out six days a week and regardless spend time with Jesus every morning.

Death is deeply revealing. I saw a lot of people die this year. I don’t care what people say their theology is. I’ll see your theology by what comes out when you’re squeezed. What comes out of your mouth when someone dies shows your belief system. The most devout believer and staunch atheist both say the Muslim, the Jew, the atheist, the Christian…..the _____________ is “in a better place.” Makes me think we have more universalists than I thought.

Show and tell. I have always lived this, but it is highlighted more. I find myself convincing Christians that we need to evangelize. Not that they are scared, like most people I have encountered since 2002…you know fear of rejection, fear of not knowing what to say, fear of not being liked….but actually convincing Christians that we need to share the gospel. This goes back to my argument that I think I am dealing with universalist and not Christians at this point which makes me love discipleship/evangelism all the more.

Funniest moment of 2021: Putting the trampoline together with Maggie, my sis.

Greatest hike of 2021: With Erika Wynne in Eswatini.

Greatest compliment of 2021: I was told I was too narrow. Jesus said few find this place so I am so thankful for this word of encouragement.

My favorite song of 2021: “There is None Like You” from Legacy worship. It’s been on repeat since June. (Spontaneous version) It’s all about Jesus. Focus is right in this song.

Best salvation story of 2021: Bri’s sis in Guatemala.

Best answer to prayer in 2021: My visit with Yousif, my Iraqi father

Most refreshing moment in 2021: When Edward Graham picked up the Bible at Samaritan’s Purse training and said he believed the whole thing.

Best book I read in 2021: Martin Luther by Eric Metaxas.

Fave ministry moment with fam in 2021: Baptizing Nikki

Most repeated Scripture He highlighted to me in 2021: Isaiah 61 (12 times in 2021)

Favorite part of 2021: Yano.

Greatest grief of 2021: Yano.

What if God allowed your greatest joy to also be your greatest pain? Will we accept both from our Creator? He gives and He takes away.

As I close out 2021, I am in my 63rd journal, been to 52 nations and more in love with Jesus than I have ever been. He is my life. My everything. Life with Him is abundant. I hope you’re taking notes on the life He’s scripting. This changes your perspective.

I never get to the end of a year and say “Good riddance.”

Instead, I stand in awe for all He has done. These stones, I will tell of for generations to come….the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Thank you Jesus for 2021.

Dear Yano,

I miss you so much.

Pretty sure not an hour goes by that I don’t think of you or am reminded of you.

When I snap my fingers, I think of you trying to snap your fingers and looking at me with your big beautiful widened eyes in amazement when you succeeded. You knew I would share in your joy. That could be the synopsis of our time together. JOY.

I really can’t believe you are gone. I also really can’t believe I got to meet you.

How did I get such a gift as to meet Yano Ali Mohammad from Kurdistan?

How amazing it would have been to see you grow up. See you go to school. Face-time across nations and meet up in Iraq.

But that wasn’t the story God had written out before the foundations of the world. He knew we would get you for five years, three months and nine days.

This was the last video I sent you on November 15, 2021 while you were conscious, the day before you had surgery.

And this was the last video I got from you on November 12th, 2021.

I miss everything about you Yano.

I’m sad I won’t be getting any more pictures or videos of you from your mom. I loved how we send videos and voice messages back and forth to each other after I left Israel.

Here are some of my favorite:

And then of course the videos we had together in Israel:

I had prayed, before coming to get you in Iraq, that I would know what it meant to be chosen. I was studying the Bible with my nursing friends and read Ephesians 1:4 that says “just as [in His love] He chose us in Christ [actually selected us for Himself as His own] before the foundation of the world, so that we would be holy [that is, consecrated, set apart for Him, purpose-driven] and blameless in His sight. In love”

Yano, you were how Jesus showed me what it means to be chosen. He showed me from how much you loved me. He showed me from how much I loved you. My love for you, that He gave me, wasn’t contingent on anything. I just loved you. We couldn’t even speak the same language, but it didn’t matter. We loved each other.

You are hands down my favorite part of 2021 and my deepest grief of 2021. My joy was to know you and my pain was leaving you in Israel and then when you died. I am thankful I loved you hard while I got you. I am thankful that God gave me no clues at all that I would lose you. For that I soaked up every moment with exceeding joy.

Yano, I don’t know what all God is doing as a result of meeting you, but I am so thankful I got to be with your family after you died. I love your mom so much. I am so glad I got to meet your baby brother Mohammad. I am so thankful I got to meet your grandpa that you Face-timed every day. How me and him wept together over your death.

I will go back and see your mom, Yano. She has already asked when I am coming back. I love her. I love your whole family now.

You could never be replaced and that is where the pain comes in. Yano, you are a gift. I am thankful for all the memories I have with you that are only etched in my mind, that weren’t recorded.

Love you forever.

Mother Teresa, as you called me.

12/6/21 on board a flight:

Got on the plane and a veiled Muslim woman, who couldn’t speak English, was my seat mate. Her husband wanted to sit next to her, so I let him:)

I was wanting to look for an aisle to sleep on anyways on the 14 hour and 40 minute flight to America from the Middle East. But if me and the vieled woman could have communicated, I would have wanted to sit next to her.

I found an aisle and quickly laid down. It was a seat where the arm rest only went up in one section so I dangled my feet over one immovaeble arm rest. I had an empty seat at my head, but no one was in it. At one point, I lay my arm above my head and can feel a human. It causes me to jump, pull up my eye mask and ask the 23 year old sitting there “Is this your seat?” He said “I was asked to move from my seat.” I didn’t ask why and just went back to sleep. 

When I woke up, I knew I needed to talk to him. He said his name was Mohammad from Pakistan. He asked what I was doing in the Middle East. I told him about Yano. He told me how he is diagnosed schizophrenic after getting K2, synthetic weed, thinking it was natural weed. He went into what sounded like a psychosis that lasted a year. He said he would hear voices, cut himself and his legs would shake.

I asked what the voices said. He said “We are coming to get you.” He lived in a state of paranoia. 

He said his mom did some spirutal things with him in Pakistan recently and he got on medication that helps. The voices are now gone, he said and his legs don’t shake. 

I told him I was a Christian and shared my story. I told him how I heard voices before I was saved. That one time I could audibly hear voices and called the police to come to my house thinking someone was coming in. He said he did the same thing. I told him how I used to smoke weed and be super paranoid. And how at 18, I wanted to commit suicide. Mohammad could relate. 

Mohammad asked “Do you drink now?” I answered “No.” He asked “Do you smoke?” I said “No.” He told me he smoked a pack a day and I told him the healing story the Lord did with me at 19 to deliver me from the addiction of smoking a pack a day too.

He said “I am interested in Christianity.” 

He told me how, if he left Islam, his country would judge him. He said he was scared to leave Islam. He said “I’m scared to be an atheist. What if there is a God?” 

He went on to say Jehovah Witnesses visited his house many times. 

Folks, if the JWs are relentless to go to Muslims, 

we for sure need to perk up on a flight or go knock on some doors too. 

I assured him that Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses were basically cults who got led astray by false prophets. I said all religions, including Islam, are basing their eternity on their good works….except Christianity. I said “In Islam, it’s like a scale and you hope your good works outweigh your bad works and even then there is no assurance in your eternity.” 

I explained to him that Jesus forgives us of our sin and that is how we know we will have a relationship with Him and be with Him forever. He asked “So Jesus forgives you of all your sin?” I said “Yes, but when we choose to follow Him, we follow what He taught us. So we don’t sin and think, “oh well! I am forgiven!” We want to walk as He told us to walk. 

I showed Mohammad Matthew 10 where Jesus showed His disciples what to do. “Heal the sick, raise the dead and cast out demons.” (I was curious of the warfare going on in his life, so I wanted to share the deliverance talked about in Jesus’ ministry.) He said “Jesus was like a doctor?” (He was so intrigued by our convo.) I said “Yes, a Great Physician….but more. He was the only sacrifice that could forgive us for our sins.”

I shared with him how I know I will be with Jesus in eternity. I showed him John 14:6 where Jesus said “I am the way, the truth and the life. No one goes to the Father, except through Me.”

I told him how I was raised in faith but didn’t believe and it sounds like he was in the same boat. I told him, whether Christian or Muslim, if we don’t believe what we are labelled, then it really isn’t a faith at all. That one day we will all stand before the judgement of Christ and He will separate the sheep from the goats. That day, it won’t matter what our parents believed, it will matter what we believed. 

He said how he doesn’t even do the “duties” in Islam now for example to pray. I told him “I didn’t pray either before I became a Christian. It was just religion and I didn’t practice my faith.” 

He asked if I had a Bible. I said it was in my big luggage but showed him my Bible apps and Jesus Film app. I shared the gospel with Mohammad and showed him some Bible verses. I told Mohammad how what they call the prophet Mohammad said he didn’t know what would happen to him or his followers (Koran Aaya 46:9) but Jesus said He will go and prepare a place for you. (Bible John 14:2-3.)

I showed him the verse “Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I told him that many Muslims I have known ask God what is the truth and they end of having dreams of Jesus as a result. That in the course of time, I have seen Muslims become Christians.

I shared with Mohammad how I spend every day with Jesus. That Jesus encouraged me with Psalm 61: 2 yesterday morning about the faint of heart looking to the Rock that is higher. He asked “Is rock a metaphor?” I said “yes” and showed him another Scripture…Psalm 18:2 that says “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer.” I explained how God being related to a rock showed His firmness and unshakeability. 

I explained that in Islam there are 99 names of God and “Love” and “Father” are not some of God’s names in Islam. But in Christianity, the Bible says “God is love.” God loves us like a Father and is a Father.

In the course of us talking, he told me he actually moved to the seat next to me because the American asked him to leave his seat so she could lay down. And he left. We both concurred that this was planned and I know God, Himself ordained this. 

Later, as I had my quiet time on the plane, I sensed the Lord tell me that He dropped him in my lap, almost literally.

I hope you are awake to people getting kicked out of their seats and you welcome all who come to you with open arms ready and prepared to share the gospel of peace.

I could see the man across from us continuing to look back. I am sure he was either encouraged or offended as I unashamedly shared Jesus. People are watching and listening.

We both essentially got asked to leave our seats, because Jesus had a better encounter ahead. Thank you Jesus. You are never a dull moment.

Before going to Israel, I was in a Bible study on Ephesians with the nurses I worked with. We read Ephesians 1:4.

 just as [in His love] He chose us in Christ [actually selected us for Himself as His own] before the foundation of the world, so that we would be holy [that is, consecrated, set apart for Him, purpose-driven] and blameless in His sight. (Amplified)

I told the nurses “I wanna know what it’s like to be chosen.”

So I prayed.

When I pray, I know God will answer, I just don’t know how.

Then I flew to Iraq to pick up Yano, her mom, Dea and her mom. Never did I dream how this trip would unfold.

Seven days into knowing Yano, she went for her first doctor’s appointment. I cried after she left. She would only be gone for a few hours. Not just shedding tears, but CRYING. I didn’t know why. I could sense the overwhelming love of God all around. And then I grasped that THIS was the answer to my prayer to know what it is like to be chosen.

I have had three encounters with God, in my lifetime, that were filled with His THICK presence. I could barely contain what I experienced. I cried and cried thinking about His holiness.

But this fourth encounter was different. I cried thinking of His incredible love. I knew God was giving me a glimpse of His heart for Yano. I think if I got it all, I would combust. I remember asking one of the Shevet workers “Do you have children die?” At this point, I never dreamed Yano wouldn’t be okay. It didn’t cross my mind. She answered they had seen children die. I cried more.

I’m thankful, while I was with Yano, I never thought anything would happen to her. I thought she would have her surgery and one day I would go visit her in Iraq. I remember googling “What’s the longest someone has lived with hypoplastic left heart post surgeries?” The answer was somewhere in the 30’s. Yano is five and I almost started crying thinking I would only get 25 more years with her.

So the love was so strong. She loved me too. Her mom told me how, at that appointment, Yano kept asking about “Teresa, Teresa, Teresa, Teresa.” Yano’s mom said Yano called me her mom. Yano would sing “Mother Teresa.” We laughed about that.

I felt like the Lord told me, this morning, to write down all my memories with Yano. My Father knows how this daughter processes….in writing, with memories, videos and photos and MOST of all….His voice.

My first memory of Yano was at the airport in Iraq watching her dad say goodbye to her. He grabbed her face gently and kissed her on the forehead. That hit me and I didn’t know why.

In the airplane, she was the cutest little thing wearing her non rebreather mask on 2L. Her oxygen would stay in the 50s and 60s. I knew at that point, call me a medical escort all you want, but up here at 30,000 feet still satting in the 60s on oxygen, we need Jesus. So I prayed. I remember thinking how devoted these moms are, the distance they will go.

I carried Yano’s oxygen tank as her mom and I helped her to the bathroom on board. Yano threw up on both flights. I remember Yano’s mom looking back at me in the seat behind her and saying “Thank you, Teresa.” I was so thankful when we touched ground in Israel.

We ate dinner the first night when we arrived in Jerusalem. I told Yano’s mom that I was praying this would be the last surgery Yano would need. I wrote in my journal from the first night “I love Yano so much. On the flight, she was trying to talk to me. She reminds me of Clennan.” (Clennan is my niece and Yano reminded me of Clennan at her age.)

Our second day, I played with Yano and Dea outside. We were in quarantine, but we had an outdoor area where we tossed a balloon around and laughed a bunch. That was my favorite part of the day.

Our 2nd night together, Yano’s oxygen dropped to 49% and we went in a cab to Sheba hospital. I remember looking at Yano’s face so peaceful as the wind blew in her hair. I asked the Muslim taxi driver if it was okay if we prayed together for Yano. So I did, right there in the taxi. When we got to the pediatric ER, she wanted to play….as her oxygen was reading 44 on our pulse oximeter. She got observed that night and came home. I helped them get back in the house around 2:30am that night.

Our third morning, I had such a sweet time with Yano. We played games. I taught her how to sing “My God is so Big” with hand motions.

Her mom wrote me on Google Translate and said “It’s good that you are next to me, you are better than my sister. (She doesn’t have a sister, this was more for emphasis.) For when I am with you, I feel like I am with family.”

While sitting next to Yano, I prayed for healing for her eyes. You would never know it, but Yano can barely see. She would have to hold things very close to her face to be able to see it. At times, she would tap her little precious feet out in front of her, before she took a step, to make sure the ground was level.

Day three, I added their moms on social media over dinner. I wrote in my journal this day “I can’t explain how much I love Yano. She is so precious. Can’t wait to see how she does. How You will write this story.”

Day four, I found out we were the only Christians Yano’s mom had met in. her. life.

This day, I noticed that Yano copies everything I did. If I wore my hair in a ponytail, she immediately wanted her hair up. It was so funny to watch. We had the same haircut and color of hair. AS SOON as I put mine up, she would frantically ask her mom where her hair tie was so she could put hers up just like mine. Even taking off a hair band and running towards her room to get a hair tie.

When I talked on Google Translate with the moms, Yano wanted to hear it too. She didn’t understand Arabic, as it was translated, but she still wanted to hear. She would LAUGH every time she heard it.

If I was having my quiet time, she wanted to have one too. She would color as I journaled at the kitchen table. I recall one morning, I was having my quiet time and she had just woken up and stood next to my chair looking at me. The most precious face you ever did see.

On day four, Yano and I played a lot. We drew on a white board and colored. I would hang her pictures on the refrigerator and say how beauitful they were in Kurdish. She would LOVE how I adored her work and hung it. I wish you could see her eyes turn to the side as she kinda blushed and loved the praise.

We played hide and seek….her favorite. If I found a new place and it took her a long time to find me, she would bust out laughing and scream out “Dika!!! Dika!!! (Mom! Mom!) to tell her mom of the amazing place I was hiding in. Because of her sight, I didn’t hide in too hard of places. I recall sitting on the couch once (my hiding place) and her looking straight at me, from about 10 feet away and not seeing me. It broke my heart. Her mom anticipated her having eye surgery one day.

Day 4 I wrote in my journal “I can’t express how much my heart loves her.” My bag arrived on this day, after getting lost in transit. The moms cheered when it arrived….only the way Kurdish women can. I loved it. I had been wearing Dea’s mom’s pj’s but now I had my own. Yano loved my own pajamas and commented on them.

Day 5 was Dea’s 2nd birthday. Yano really wanted Dea’s gift and we laughed so much about it. Yano got the doll and named her Fatima. Yano really tried to help blow up the balloons for Dea’s party. After trying really hard on one balloon, she handed it to me, all wet and asked me to blow it up:) We all danced, Kurdish style, in the kitchen.

Yano would come up to me and say “play”….she hand signals peek a boo and that means hide and seek.

Day 6, Yano was right beside me in my quiet time. I told her mom that day that many people are praying and God has a plan for Yano’s life. I would ask the moms and Yano what their favorite part of the day was. That day, Yano said “hide and seek.” She continued to learn “My God is so Big.”

I believe it was this day, it was just her mom, Yano and me eating dinner as Dea and her mom were at the hospital. We sat at a round table spaced out evenly. Yano wanted me to come sit next to her so we all could sit closely together for dinner. Yano wanted me close. Her mom and I thought that was so precious and hilarious all of us sitting almost shoulder to shoulder at that big table.

Day 7, Yano went for her first doctor’s appointment and I wept. That was the aha moment that Yano was how God answered my prayer to know what it was like to be chosen. He told me to come to Israel very specifically. He chose Yano to be with me. He gave me an immense love for her that was not contingent on anything.

This was the last day of my required quarantine. I had my 16th negative Covid test and was “free to go.” But I didn’t want to leave because I wanted to be home when Yano got home from her doctor’s appointment. I recorded a video that day of me crying, in the midst of this encounter with God, talking about His love. It was very 1 Corinthians 13…who cares what you can do if you don’t have love.

I remember hearing their voices at the gate when they returned from the doctors and being so excited they were back. Yano’s mom said Yano kept saying “Teresa, Teresa, Teresa and asking the other worker where I was.” I offered to go get food and they wanted chicken shawarma. We ate together that night…as we did every meal. Yano’s mom told me that day “I love you so much.” Me too….me too.

The next day, I went with Yano and her mom to get their Covid test to get out of quarantine. Yano LOVED the playground on the top of the Mount of Olives. I slid on the slide with her. Bounced up and down on the apparatuses. Even flipped over the bars on the slide like I did when I was little, before sliding down the slide. Yano was in heaven.

We went to the Old City that day. Yano’s mom wanted to see the mosque. I wasn’t allowed to go in, as I am a Christian, so I stayed with Yano and bought her some toys. It was plastic vegetables that you could pretend to cut that were held in place by velcro.

The next day, we went to the hospital for Yano’s heart cath. I wanted to spend the night with Yano and her mom in the hospital. Her mom asked if I would and I also wanted to. We weren’t able to, but Yano’s cath was cancelled because of two emergency caths that were needed….one of them being Dea. We went to see Dea and her mom in the ICU that day. I held Yano, as we looked into Dea’s crib.

Yano always had a heart for babies. When I held another baby, she would want to hold them too. We moved to Tel Aviv/Jaffa area where the other families were. There were a lot of babies and you could see how much Yano loved them.

It was there is Tel Aviv that I got to take Yano and her mom to the ocean. I had been gone all day with Dea at the hospital. When I got home, it’s like Yano hadn’t seen me in ages. She ran to me with such excitement and embraced me so hard. She kept hugging me over and over again. We went to the ocean….her riding in her stroller.

I knew Yano couldn’t see the ocean until we got really close to it. I watched her eyes open in wonder once she beheld the ocean for the first time in her life. I wrote in my journal about this encounter “My heart can barely hold it when she beholds something.”

Yano was fearless. She reminded me of my nephew, Anthony, at that time. I remember his first time in the ocean. Ready to run into the waves. Yano was the same way.

Yano, her mom and I laughed so much. We went to play on the playground next to the beach after that. The sun set. We stared in awe. We swung on the swing. Everything was precious and right in that moment.

The next day, I played with Yano with paint and play dough. She loved it so much. I loved it so much. Anything with her was a gift. We went to the beach again. She cried leaving it. Yano loved living life to the fullest.

On Shabbat, I went to eat with the families. Yano was so happy I came. We played our “uze” hide and seek. As the Kurdish families offered me tea after biryani, I ran around the apartment looking for Yano and her looking for me.

I was cooking dinner for the Shevet workers one night and decided to make them brownies from scratch. They loved desserts and I don’t even eat them. Yano’s mom messaged me and said “Did you make cake for my daughter who loves cake?” So I made another batch of brownies. So thankful I did. When I look back today and think of all the extra miles you go with people, I’m so thankful I went. Especially today, as I write this and Yano is on life support. I woulda made her a bakery, if I knew what was ahead.

Our days were filled with walks, going to parks, and playing hide and seek. We would sit on the couch and hold babies. Sing together…a lot. We sang “My God is So Big”, “Old McDonald”….with the dog being the star animal and the notorious “Baby Shark” with our own rendition of Grandma Shark sounding like an old old lady.

I made up a song for Yano and Dea called “Hiyati….Corbani” and would sing that to them. They laughed when I shook my shoulder.

Yano and I laughed a lot. Period. It didn’t matter what we were doing. I loved her laugh and the way she would make sounds in her throat that you would just have to hear in person to grasp how cute it was.

One day, she came up to me and whispered in Kurdish how much she loved me, with hand signals like ten times ten times ten. Then she busted out laughing. We would go on to tell each other how much we loved each other by seeing how far we could extend our hands. Her face would get so serious as she tried to express how big her love was.

Our second to last day together, Yano had to go to the dentist. She said she wouldn’t be afraid if I went. So we had someone take an extra car to take me to the hospital so I could be with Yano for her dentist visit, which I had already eagerly wanted to go to.

We visited the dentist. We ate shawarma and fries, as that was what Yano wanted. Her mom and I cried so much knowing this was the end of my stay. Yano started calling me TT that day. She busted out with “My God is so Big” spontaneously over lunch. That made her mom and I cry harder.

I cried in my room so much that night, thinking of my goodbye to Yano the next day. And the last day came. I cried all morning. It was so hard to say goodbye to her. God gave me a decision in missions in 2002 when I cried so hard saying goodbye to my YWAM friends in DTS: I could either keep my heart at a distance and not get too close to people, the goodbyes would be easy and I would never cry OR I could love hard and it would hurt. I chose the latter and I’m so glad I did. It was deeply painful saying goodbye after only 3 weeks.

Yano’s face, the morning I left, was different. She kept staring into space as if it was too hard to comprehend that I was leaving. I never saw her face like that. I remember when her mom told her I was going back to America, the look of distraught on her face was too hard to handle. Nancy, who told me about Shevet (the organization I was with in Isreal), had a friend sing, in Kurdish “My God is So Big” and recorded it. I played it for Yano and her mom that day.

As I was leaving Yano said over and over again in Kurdish “Don’t go. Don’t go.” It sounded like “Mo ro mo ro.”

Yano smiled big waving goodbye to me. Her mom was bawling as I was too.

I am so thankful it never crossed my mind that Yano wouldn’t be okay. I think that would have even been a harder goodbye. We Facetimed in the airport in Turkey. Her mom sent me videos. I sent Yano videos twice on my flights home.

I told the founder of Shevet, when he picked Dea, her mom and myself up from the airport in Iraq on our return, that I would be in Yano’s life. Yano had me for life.

The weeks leading up to her heart cath and surgery were filled with us sending videos back and forth. Videos I treasure of Yano telling me how much she loved me, how she missed me and her singing.

They Facetimed me when Yano had to go to the ER. Yano was scared and she wanted me there to hold her hand.

On Tuesday, November 16th Yano had her open heart surgery. It didn’t cross my mind she wouldn’t be okay, but I asked for prayer. Yano told her mom before going into surgery, “Tell TT to pray for me.” Yano told her mom that she wished I was going to surgery with her, but she knew I would be there after her surgery.

I was working at the hospital here in North Carolina. I got the message that Yano was on ECMO following her surgery. I bawled at work, crying with my co-workers.

And my days have been filled with faith and tears since.

Today, Yano is still on ECMO. I write this in tears and much pain. I am so thankful for all the memories. I never wanna forget all those special moments we had. So thankful I soaked her up. What a gift You gave me, God. How you answered my prayer. I know much more now, how much you love us. And I could see why You would want Yano back. I desperately want her back. I still hope for a miracle. I still pray for this. But if I got her for a month and a half….I will choose to be thankful for every moment.

What we need right now is for believers to stand….and stand firm until the end.

We stand firm on sure foundations.

The best way I can know the story of God is the Bible.

Yes, people will tell you “Oh, you believe in the Father, Son and Holy Bible, right?”

Don’t let whatever mockery is used to sway you from truth.

His words. That’s defining my Christianity.

We all have to compare what our faith looks like with what we are reading. The Word of God is our plumb-line. Not Fox, not CNN, not ABC or NBC. Not Facebook, Twitter, Insta.

Not our mom and dem’s church or what paw paw always said or what sounds good or feels good. Not the desires of the eyes and the lusts of the flesh.

Not fresh revs.

Mohammad and Joseph Smith had fresh revs.

Oh course, we have encounters with God. Emotional experiences with God. A lot of feelings around who He is and what He’s called us to live like in this place that is not our home. Of course! But it must be reflective of the words He chose to save for us.

If we aren’t using the Word of God as a building point, then what are we using? I surely hope it’s not your human understanding and what you think feels right in the moment.

We need a plumb-line to go back to.

And the word of God is that plumb-line.

For as long as I can remember, and especially the last few years, I have been reading the Word with new eyes. The Word redefines Christianity and how it is SUPPOSED to look. I read Acts 4 and I’m like “Okay, THAT is how you respond to persecution.”

I read the lives of the disciples and Jesus and say “Okay, that’s how you get rejected and keep going.”

I read Jesus in John 6 when many disciples left and Jesus, like the Boss He is, says to his 12….y’all wanna leave too? He was so secure in who He was and the message He was preaching that even the closest to Him could go and He wasn’t tossed to and fro.

I read of the holiness that we are called to. The consecrated life we signed up for.

I read what Lordship is and what it isn’t.

But if I just sat back and soaked up like a sponge all the toxic theology we have out there, I would be dead. The walking dead.

Sometimes, I wonder if people are awake or just illiterate to the Word of God to keep accepting all the deception that keeps happening. Or are they so in bed with the fear of man that they keep compromising day after day the convictions they once held so dearly?

I don’t know what’s happening but I do know the answer. I know the solution.

We need to let the Bible define our Christianity.

Jesus quoted the Old Testament in the New Testament many times. When the Word quotes the Word…then I can’t understand how we wouldn’t follow in His example.

The New Testament has over 800 references to the Old Testament in it. If the O.G. church subscribed to the Old Testament, catch me subscribing to the whole channel.

I’m getting such fresh revs as I read His word. He is redefining Christianity over and over again to me every day. It’s as if He is whispering to me “Teresa, THIS is what it’s supposed to look like” as I turn every page.

As I read the Bible, I want my life to look like what I read.

This isn’t just a “good story.”

It’s THE story.

This last year+ has been marked with standing for truth. If you wonder how my “on fire” meter is going. It’s the highest it’s ever been. I am more in love with Jesus than ever.

You know how I know that?

I can say I love the gospel. I can share the gospel. But I discovered, I had a Peter situation where I could have denied the gospel. I could have thought “that is too costly.” I could lose a lot if I kept standing. But there wasn’t an ounce of wavering in my bones.

He made me like that.

You know you have something when it gets tested in fire and comes out more beautiful. That’s why I can say I am the most on fire I have ever been. I just came off the altar where everything gets burned away and you find Jesus is enough. He is everything.

So back to how I gauge my walk with Jesus is I look at Him, the disciples and the men/women of faith that emerge in Scriptures.

As I notice how our world loves crowds, I wonder how much compromise happens to KEEP a crowd. Not that you can’t have crowds. Jesus had crowds at times. But when the teachings got hard…many bounced. (Jn 6:66) Then Jesus, being the Boss He is…confidently looks at His disciples like “ya’ll want out too?”

He wasn’t concerned with keeping “likes.”

He was concerned with the Father’s likes.

I wonder how many people, that stood for truth were admired in the actual time they lived? I look back to Jeremiah. Have you read the book of Jeremiah? Check out 7:27. A promise from God that they won’t listen. Can you imagine that he felt encouraged in his day for standing?

What about Ezekiel? Read Chap 3. Same thing. They won’t listen. He wasn’t filling stadiums.

Or Joseph in prison. Just being faithful in other people’s unfaithfulness.

Or Moses….with a million people wishing they were still in captivity.

Or Joshua and Caleb being THE ONLY ONES who wanted what God was giving, in faith, that if He lead them this far, He for sure would keep leading them.

Or Paul, who got saved and spent his latter years in prison.

Or Peter, who got the baptized in the Spirit (Acts 2) and went to prison by Acts 4.

Or Stephen, just telling the story of Jesus and stones flying left and right to his death.

Or Jesus….nailed to a cross. Imagine how modern commentators would tear that apart.

But these are my heroes. This is normal Christianity.

These are the ones and the twos.

I wonder what people compromise to keep a crowd. I wonder what they don’t choose to talk about or what they choose to emphasize. I wonder if it’s our fame we are chasing or the glory of the Lord. I wonder if His “well done” is truly all we are living for or is it the applause of man? What fear of losing jobs, money, relationships and status makes us cower?

I wonder how much of it is about “love” and “unity” when it’s really just our own fear of man on display. That we fall for everything because we stand for nothing.

We remember that last time we stood and there were consequences so we simma instead of soar. We stick to the safe topics and call that unity.

Jesus shows me a better love. A better unity.

Yes, all these heroes in the faith probs weren’t honored in their time. They weren’t looking for likes and pats on the back. Their honor came. But they coulda cared less once they were filled with the Holy Spirit.

But will you endure today?

The longer and longer I am a Christian, the more I want my life to look just like what I read. I hope you do too. I hope you found Your Treasure in Him. Because once you know what you have in Him, all other things fade away. You live for One.

Catch me placing my life next to the plumb-line of Scripture and asking “does that line up to what they faced?”

Then we on the right track whether a crowd or no one is with me….still I will follow.